Seeds of Doubt…. Can they be un-done ? un-planted ? … especially with roots so deep ?

Once the seeds of doubt are planted, how do you undo what’s already been done ?

Trust can be as strong as a hurricane, but once it’s been broken it’s transformed and is as fragile as the most delicate crystal.

The love is there. That I have no doubt of at all. But is love enough ? Can love help mend the Trust that’s been so drastically shattered, and twisted ?

Doubt is a vicious, and evil thing that eats away at a person’s peace of mind, and sense of stability. Doubt is the whisper in your ear late at night when your thoughts are swirling as wildly as the winds of a tornado.

How do you clear your mind and your thoughts of doubts, fears, and suspicions, when all of these emotions are stirred because of past events that shattered your soul ?

Can Trust be ” re-gained ” ? Can Trust be ” re-made ” once it’s been shattered so completely ?

How do you put together a fragile crystal figurine once it’s been shattered into more than a million pieces ?

Trust is a lot like that fragile crystal figurine…. beautiful, very valuable, and something that should be treasured for always.

Too many times though, it’s taken for granted until one day one person’s actions is all it takes to shatter it !

Once it’s shattered, it takes a lot of caring, time, attention, understanding, compassion, and love, to slowly put it back together once again.

I want this to be true. I want this to be possible. Even as I write it, I can’t help wonder if I’m writing it hoping that the ” act ” of writing it out will make it come true.

If only writing out wishes was all it took. If only writing out our deepest desires, and dreams, was all it took for all of it to come to life.

I wish life was that simple. I wish life was as simple as writing out the stories of our lives, just as we would want them to play out.

Perhaps this is why I love reading fantasy as much as I do, because when I read it I am living it. When I read a fantasy novel I can see the world of the story, the people, the adventures that they’re living through.

I wish real life was like the books that I love to read, or at least like the romantic movies that I love. The real world is much colder, and harsher than that, unfortunately.
I love him very much…. but like I’ve said before, is love always enough to make everything right ? Shouldn’t there be much more than just love ? Trust I think is a vital part of any type of relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a family member, or a lover, with anyone you’re connected to you need to feel a real sense of trust with them. If you don’t then constantly there will be a feeling of doubt hanging over everything they do, and everything they say to you. How can you truly believe what they do and say when you’re not 100 % sure that they’re telling you the truth ?
Whenever I try to voice my fears with him, he always turns it back on me. He makes me out to the be the ” bad guy ” every time. Every time he puts up a wall of self-righteousness as if to say, ” why would you ever doubt me ? ” Apparently he’s conveniently pushed aside any memories of how many times he’s deeply hurt me in our past.
What I wonder now is… Should I do that, and act as if he’s a ” completely ” different person now ? He tells me he’s changed since then, but when I see a few of his ” old behaviors ” surface how can I truly believe him ?
I remember too well all of the old behaviors that were a key part of the main heart break he caused me in our past. According to him now I’m supposed to look the ” other way ” when any of those old behaviors resurface, and believe that it’s NOT a sign that he’s going to go right back to everything he’s done before !
Sure we had talked about all of this on the phone a lot before he came back to me. Talking on the phone, and living with each other, interacting with each other each day, and night, is an entirely different story. It’s too easy to say anything on the phone. It’s not so simple to put it into action in person.
He’s forgotten conveniently again, that he had made me several promises before he came back to me. Those promises went straight out the window after only maybe a week at the most ! If I was to dare point that out to him though, he would just turn things around on me instead. He seems to love to make it seem like ANY arguments, or disagreements we have, are ALWAYS ONLY my fault ! It’s NEVER something he said, or did, it’s only on me !
I remember distinctly talking to him about this ” one-sided ” type of behavior on the phone long before he came back. Like those promises he had made to me on the phone, this too has definitely been forgotten.
He needs to open his eyes, and see the real truth !
He needs to see the simple fact that arguments take two people, and are never just one person’s fault.
I can’t make him see this, no matter what I say, or do.
I know this is a realization he has to come to completely on his own. I hate to admit this, even just in this post, but it is the truth.
I’ve never considered myself a ” control freak “. I know that there are many things throughout life that we can not control. Still, it’d be nice once in awhile to be able to control certain things, especially when it involves personal relationships.
For example…. One thing he’s started a very bad habit of doing is telling me to ” shut up “, whenever he doesn’t want to hear what I want to say !
I’m sure I’ve told him that I can not stand anyone telling me to shut up ! I went through that garbage far too much when I was married for ten years ! I was married to a loser that never wanted to talk about anything at all ! My ex-husband would tell me to ” shut up “, and add very cruel names to that as well, nearly every day !
I’ve told him about what I went through with my ex-husband. I’m positive I have, at least two, or maybe three times, or more. Yet again, he seems to pick, and choose conveniently what he forgets !
Plus…. whenever he starts telling me a very long winded story about his past, I never yell out, ” SHUT UP, ” even if I’m secretly wishing that the story would end soon.
According to him apparently HE is allowed to say anything, and talk as much as he wants, whenever he wants to, and never have me tell him to ” SHUT UP ” ! But it’s ” okay ” for him to do that to me, even if I’m honestly trying to talk to him about something that’s very important to me !
For a relationship to be truly happy, and truly successful, doesn’t there need to be a clear sense of mutual respect, understanding, compassion, and patience, among many other things as well ?
Double standards have no place in a truly successful relationship. I am positive of this. I’ve read it in many articles, but I don’t need to read it anywhere since it’s simple common sense.
How can I live with this every day, and night ?
Can I truly live with this every day, and night, and still say sane ? Still have peace of mind ?
I took him back with ” open eyes “, but I can’t help wondering if I listened to my heart too much. I should have listened closer to the thoughts, and doubts swirling around in my mind. Admittedly I had doubts before he actually came back, but I thought I had more time to resolve them. The date he came back was moved up at the last minute, and it took me by surprise. I hadn’t had a chance to completely resolve the doubts that had been hanging over my thoughts like a thunder storm threatening to begin at any moment.
Even though I still had doubts, I didn’t want to say ” NO ” to him coming back to me because I missed him so very much. So I concentrated on the fact that I loved him – ( and still do very much so ), missed him, and I pushed aside the doubts I still had. I thought I could keep those doubts pushed down, buried, and hidden. They wouldn’t stay that way though, as soon as I saw him start to show signs of a few of his ” old behaviors “. Those behaviors were like a green flag being waved at the beginning of a car race, as far as my doubts were concerned. I’ve attempted a few times to try to explain this to him, but my words fell on deaf ears.
Either he didn’t understand what I was explaining to him, or he didn’t want to understand what his behaviors were doing to me.
Now he expects me to quiet all of my doubts and fears completely, and stay completely silent about all of it no matter how I’m truly feeling. I’m supposed to turn away from the way he’s being right in front of my face ! I’m supposed to turn away from it, and not care ! HOW ????????
What he doesn’t get at all is that if I didn’t care about any of this, that would be a clear sign that my love for him had died completely ! The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. He’s obviously not recognizing, or understanding this fact.
It’s the fact that I do love him very much, and I want him and I to work out well, is why I get upset when I see any signs of the ” old behaviors ” that tore us completely apart in our past. How can I not be upset when I see that, when all I want is his true love, and caring ? I want him to want our happiness as much as I want it, but lately many days I can’t help wonder if he truly wants this ?! He’ll say he does, but as he’s shown many times before words come easy to him. His words can be super sweet, but it’s his actions that I want… not just his words !
I understand that he wants me to put the past in the past, but how can I do this completely when he shows me signs of the ” old behaviors ” that were the beginning of the end for us before ?
How is it fair for him to expect me to turn away from his behaviors, and not react, when he won’t make a true effort to stop letting his ” old behaviors ” resurface ????
It’s not fair…. but no matter how much I try to talk to him about this calmly, it does no good at all…. he still continues to do as he thinks is ” okay “.
Can I truly live with all of this ? Can I truly accept him completely just as he is ” right now “, since there’s no true sign of him trying to change his actions ?
I don’t know.
All I know is that I love him. I took him back wanting us to work out, and now things aren’t how he ” promised me ” they would be…. I don’t know what to do.
I suppose only Time will tell if anything changes, or not.

Posted in Be Yourself... Not who the Media says You should be, Desires, Doubts, Dreams, Expressing Love, Expressing My Thoughts, Fears, Feelings, Forever Love, Frustration, Holding onto Hope, Life Choices, Mixed Feelings | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Leave the ” Past ” in the ” Past ” ? … HOW ? …

It’s been almost a month, and a half, since my ” former ” ex-boyfriend came back to me, to be with me – and to live with me.

While I am happy that he’s back, since I love him very much, and missed him terribly while we were apart. Still, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that these days since his return have all been a ” bed of roses “.

I knew deep down that there would be a period of adjustment, since we had been apart for a total of five years. Still, somehow I had allowed myself to be naive enough that I believed ” everything ” would be completely different this time.

Before I start sounding too dark, and/or negative, I have to say that ” some ” things have been very different. By different, I mean a ton better than the last time he was with me. He has showed me in many ways that he has changed for the ” better ” in the last five years.

Despite those ” positive ” changes though, there are still moments when he behaves so much like before that memories of past heartbreak, and betrayal, come flooding back into my thoughts. I try hard to not allow those dark thoughts of the past to overtake me, but I’ve found it’s unavoidable when some of his behaviors match our past times together.

When this occurs I’ve tried to calmly explain that what he’s doing reminds me of the past very much so, and brings back old memories, and fears. Instead of doing anything at all to ” adjust ” this behavior that’s stirring up flashes of our past, he turns the situation around on me as if I’m the one in the wrong.

Several times he’s reminded me that ” on the phone ” before he came back I had said that I would put all of the old memories of our past behind me.

Yes I had said that, and even said that, ” the past is the past, and I want to focus on our future together. ” All of what I said was true at it’s core. I meant it when I said it.

I still mean it, except that as soon as he started behaving in several of his ” old ways ” from our past, I couldn’t help feeling that perhaps I had made that

promise way too soon.

It’s easy to promise things on the phone when you haven’t been together 24 / 7, and lived together under the same roof, for five years.

It’s easy to behave in ways that you wouldn’t normally behave, while you’re on the phone with someone. You only have to look at how many 1-900 phone numbers there are out there to realize that ! lol

Knowing this fact I just mentioned about phone conversations, I can’t help wonder how many things he said to me in the many telephone calls before he came back he truly meant, and truly planned on keeping to. Or like me did he say certain things easily on the phone, and then realized once he got here that he can’t truly keep his promises, or he didn’t completely mean them ? Or both ?

How do you truly leave the ” Past ” in the ” Past ” when it hurt you down to the very core of your heart, and soul ?

What’s so twisted is that despite the ” hurt ” my new boyfriend – ” former ” ex-boyfriend, caused me in our past, I never stopped loving him.

Yes I’ve read the psychology articles about what this potentially means about me, but I can’t help how I am.

When I fall in love I fall completely, with every fiber of my heart, and soul.

Never in my life have I ever fell in love for just a few days, or a few months. When I fall in love, it’s for good. I fall in love for always.

If the other falls out of love with me, then I do what I must do to move on, but a part of my heart still has feelings for them, and always will.

Wrong, or right, this is simply how I’ve always been. The books on the subject can say anything that they want. No amount of books, or articles from experts, will ever change how I am.

I am my own expert. I do the best I can for myself. Sometimes my best doesn’t work out very well, but many times it does.

I am thankful for my love of writing. I’ve enjoyed writing since I have in high school. That was a ” lifetime ” ago, since I’m 47 years old now.

Back to the topic of my post….

I love my boyfriend very much. It was my choice to take him back. I could have said no to him, despite how irresistible he may think he is to women.

I didn’t choose to take him back lightly. I did it knowing his good points, and bad ones.

I simply hope that he’ll realize that as accepting as I am of his bad points, he should show me the same respect, and be accepting of all of my bad points too.

After all, unconditional love is really the only way to go as far as having a truly healthy, and happy relationship. This is my opinion.

If you truly love someone you should be able to accept them completely – good and bad.

What I can not, and will not tolerate – and shouldn’t be forced to tolerate – is when the One I’m with is not showing me the same level of tolerance, understanding, and compassion.

A relationship must have equal give and take. One-sided behavior only causes resentments, bitterness, and eventually inevitably it will destroy the relationship.

I don’t want him and I to be ” one-sided “, so whenever he starts to show signs of old bad behaviors, or be disrespectful towards me, I do my best to calmly talk to him about it. I do this hoping that by staying calm I’m diffusing the potential for a very bad argument, and also making him aware how his behavior is affecting me.

Many times I feel that he doesn’t realize what sort of impact his behavior has on me.

During the five years we were apart, I imagine that he must have forgotten how emotional, empathetic, and sensitive I am with the One I love very much.

I’ve always had the soul of an empath.

That’s helped me make friends, but also at times it weighs on me since when someone I love is suffering, then I’m suffering too.

To wrap up my ramblings… lol …

I love him very much, and don’t want to lose him again.

So I’m hopeful that he’ll be patient with me as far as my slowly letting go of past memories, and turning my focus instead on our present, and future. Plus I hope that he’ll ” wake up ” – open his eyes completely, and see that certain behaviors he’s displayed since he came back are ” triggers ” for me that cause flashbacks to a certain degree of the past we shared. It’s a past I truly want to leave in the past, so I hope that he’ll do his part, and actively try to behave in different ways now.

He made a lot of promises to me before he came back, and so far he’s kept a few of them but not all of them. I’m hoping that in time this will change.

I suppose time will tell.

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Boyfriend …. OR … Roommate … ???? …. Not sure which

Once not that long ago I had all kinds of hopes and dreams for having my ” love ” back in my life once again, and finally having the happiness I thought we were meant to have together.

That was then ….

This is now ….

Now he’s here, and somehow those hopes and dreams seemed to have slipped through my fingers like the mists of a winter’s morning.

He was full of light, love, and promises, before he came back to me.

He assured me over and over that all of the sweet words he spoke to me were the truth.

I had been longing for so long to hear those words from him that I couldn’t resist believing every one of them. Even when doubts whispered in the back of my mind, I hushed them right away, and refused to pay them any mind.

I didn’t want to stop for even a moment to think that he may have been simply telling me all of the things he knew I wanted so much to hear from him.

He knew me after all, since we’ve known each other for many years.

Even though we’d been apart for five years, still you remember certain things about each other.

The twist for me that sealed my fate was his constant insisting that he’s changed from how he was when we were last together. Almost every other phone call we had he would insist that his behaviors in many ways had changed, so we would not have the same problems we had in our past.

I feel so naive for believing this promise.

I wanted so much for it to be true, I refused to allow myself to stop for a moment to consider the real possibility that he was nearly exactly the same as before.

What’s so ironic, is that during a few arguments we’ve had so far he’s insisted that I haven’t changed ” my ways ” from how I was in our past.

He refuses to see that it’s not that I haven’t changed, it’s simply that he hasn’t changed so he still sees the world with the same twisted attitude when his anger, and impatience takes over.

I had asked him more times than I can count if he would be much more understanding, and patient with me than he’s been in our past. Of course his answer every time was ” yes of course he will be “, because he knows that he wants us to be happy together for good this time. These weren’t his exact words of course, but this was the general idea of what he had said.

Almost the very next day after he had arrived, the reality of how he would behave with me was already starting to become very clear.

Would it have been too much to ask for just two weeks at least of complete peace and harmony, before his true nature started to show ?

As of tomorrow it will be one month exactly since he came back to me, to be with me, and live here with me.

Am I happy ?

I wish I could clearly answer this.

It was my choice to allow him back into my life.

Whatever the outcome of this it is completely on me.

I could have told him ” No “, but how do you do that when you’re completely sick and tired of living alone ?

I wanted someone here with me.

I wanted someone here to talk to face to face.

I wanted someone here to share with, and laugh with.

Are those things too much to ask for ?

I didn’t think so.

I am only human after all, just as we all are.

I’d been living alone for years. Years of solitude can start to wear on a person, no matter how strong and independent they try to be. Strength can only get you so far until finally your heart and soul cries out from some companionship.

The problem now is….

Did I truly get what I wanted ?

I’m really not sure yet.

At this moment the way he behaves to me it seems he’s more like a roommate than a boyfriend. Sure he says ” I love you “, every day. But what good are those words when you don’t back them up with your behavior and your attitude towards the one you supposedly love ?

Words are empty and soulless when there’s no true feeling behind them.

I don’t want ” words ” from him.

I want ” true love ” from him.

Is that too much to ask for ?

I really don’t think so.

Posted in crazy guys, Desires, Despair, Doubts, Dreams, Expressing My Thoughts, Fears, Feelings, Frustration, Heart's Choices, Holding onto Hope | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Stabbed in the Heart… Again

It’s not like I didn’t know the risks going in, but still I hung onto hope like a person drowning in an endless sea with only a piece of driftwood to hang onto, and no sign of land anywhere in sight.

I know him. I’ve known him now for eleven years, so I know everything about him, good and bad. Despite this I suppose I wanted to believe every word he said to me on the phone, and in letters, so much that I convinced myself that he was telling me the complete truth, and had truly changed as he had claimed.

Now with still a few days to go before he will have been back with me for one month, tonight my curiosity got the better of me when he was in the bathroom, and I spied on a couple of instant messages he was getting on facebook from women.

I don’t know what I thought I would find in those messages,

but I know it wasn’t what I saw.

What I found was that he was talking to two women that each claim to ” love him “, and as if it wasn’t bad enough to see that they were saying ” I love you ” multiple times to him tonight, but also he told both of them that I was ” up his ass tonight ” !

What he meant by his hateful comment was that earlier I had been asking him questions about who he was chatting with on facebook. That’s what he calls me being, ” up his ass ” ! I don’t feel that it’s fair of him at all to see it that way when obviously my suspicions were proved correct in a sense by the way he was talking to the two of them.

He’s ” supposed to be ” back with me, as my boyfriend – living with me.

I wish someone would explain to me how, and in what universe, that gives him the right to chat with multitudes of other women online, going as far as having them tell him ” I love you “, and to top it off ” bad mouthing ” me to them !

If I was doing that with men on facebook I could guarantee that he would not like it one bit ! He would be just as ” up my ass ” the way he claims I am to him.

But of course if he’s doing it, it’s okay !?!

Regardless of what happened tonight, and the BIG ARGUMENT that ensued as a result once he came out of the bathroom, and saw how upset I was, still I have to face the fact that I was the one that made the decision to open my life up to him once again.

I decided to let him come back, even knowing him as completely as I do.

I let him come back because I love him very much, and I was hopeful that he had truly changed as much as he claimed on the phone, and in letters, before he came back.

He made multitudes of promises to me before he came back, and ” perhaps ” foolishly I believed them all. I couldn’t seem to help myself because I missed him so much.

We had been apart for five years. That’s a lifetime for two people to be apart, especially when both of us had interactions with others during that time. Though he had true relationships with others during that time, while I only had a few brief encounters, nothing real, or serious at all. I couldn’t bring myself to commit to anyone at all during those years because I was holding on so tight to the hope that ” HE ” would be back one day. Now…. Now he’s back, and the doubts and fears are threatening to drown me right now. I’m terrified that I may have made a huge mistake taking him back.

I don’t want this to be the case. I still want things to work out the way I have always wanted them to between him and I. I want him to stay, and not just out of some sense of obligation to me because he had made me so many promises. I want him to stay with me because he truly loves me, wants me, and wants to share his life with me.

Are those hopes, and desires foolish ?

I hope not.

I guess only Time will tell.

But after Tonight I can’t pretend to be ” blind ” anymore.

I will trust him, but I won’t be putting on the ” rose-colored glasses ” anymore.

At least … not until some time has passed, and our interactions have taken a clear turn for the better…. the way I hope, and pray that they will.

Posted in crazy guys, Doubts, Dreams, Fears, Feelings, Frustration, Heart's Choices, Holding onto Hope | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Mistake ???? … Only Time will Tell… I guess

I broke the ” cardinal rule ” and took back an ex-bf, even though many would think I was crazy for doing it.

It’s only been one week and four days, and it feels like it’s been a year.

Shouldn’t time be ” flying by ” if it’s all good ?

Instead of being all good like I had dreamed it would be, and was so certain it would be, it’s been an uphill struggle every day to adjust.

Not only is it an adjustment to living with someone again, since I’d been living alone for five years, but also it’s been an adjustment to try my hardest to accept my ex-bf – ( now boyfriend ) – completely, and unconditionally.

I thought that during those years that we were apart that we resolved most of our old issues that caused disagreements, and the occasional huge blow up. What I’ve found out in this past week and a half approx. is that settling issues and agreeing on better ways of dealing with those issues over the phone, is a hell of a lot different that actually putting those solutions into practice in person.

I should have seen this coming, but naively I let my heart think for my head. All I knew was that I missed him, loved him, and needed him back in my life again.

I am trying to look at things differently, and leave the past in the past. Yet how do you do that when those past issues rise up once again right in your face ?

Do you pretend that they are not happening ? Ignore them ?

How though ? HOW ?

I want things to be different this time. I don’t want to deal with the heart break, and pain that I went through in the past. He has promised that he won’t put me through that pain again. I want to believe him, but it’s hard when I see him doing certain actions that are very similar to old behaviors that caused me nothing but turmoil.

What to do now ? He’s here…. he claims he wants to stay… he says that I am enough for him, and that he is happy to be here.

If all of that were one-hundred percent true then why does he talk to, and flirt with, so many different women online, and even have a couple of them calling him on his cell phone ? How can I ignore that, and pretend it’s not happening, and not hurting me down to my core ? I’ve told him, and showed him that it hurts me when he talks to those other women, and hurts me very much so when he flirts so bluntly with them.

His reply is always the same…. ” I’m not out ****ing them am I ? “

Why does it have to come down to that ? I don’t understand why he can’t open his eyes completely, and put himself in my shoes. Maybe this is simply the way most men are as far as seeing a situation from another perspective. I don’t know. I wish I knew.

What is comes down to is simple.

I can’t control what he does no matter how much I explain to him how his actions bother me. All I can is hope that he will adjust his actions accordingly so they don’t seem so much like the bad behaviors of the past. Also I hope that he’ll remember that truly loving someone is more than just saying, ” I love you. ” He’s only three years younger than me. He’s forty-four years old, so he’s plenty old enough to be able to understand this basic relationship concept.

I hope he understands, and puts it into practice soon before his current actions drive me to complete distraction, and emotional pain.

What it comes down to is that I do truly love him dearly, and I want our renewed relationship to work out this time. I want to share my life with him always. I’ve told him this many times, and he’s said he wants this as well. I hope time will tell that he’s telling me the real truth straight from his heart, and soul.

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Chose my Path at the Crossroads…. Was it the right choice ? …

Recently I made a major decision for my life. The result of this decision will be some major changes in pretty much every aspect of my life. Did I make the right choice ? Did I take the right path for me, when I was at a crossroads ? The way I see it right now only time will tell, but I plan on remaining hopeful, and positive. In the past I’ve learned the hard way that ” attitude ” can drastically affect every part of your life. As a result of the hard lessons I’ve learned I’ve decided to strive to always hang on to a positive attitude, and not let negativity creep into my thoughts slowly eating away at my happiness. I’ve realized that if you remain positive, and upbeat, then that’s what you attract. You draw in people that are positive, and upbeat as well, but even if they’re not typically that way they will be soon as a result of witnessing your positive attitude.

Where the opposite of that example is also true. If you’re constantly negative, and go through your days with a ” dark cloud ” constantly hanging over your head, then you will attract others with the same attitude. Naturally I don’t want that, so I am determined to keep a positive optimistic attitude always.

Of course I realize that on some days I may not feel very positive. Everyone has bad days from time to time. That is bound to happen sometimes. I will allow myself this, since it’s a human trait I can’t escape. What I will make sure I do is that those ” bad days ” will not linger, and continue indefinitely. I won’t let the negativity of those ” bad days ” to infect me, and cause me to have a negative attitude every single day.

Today is a turning point in my life.

I pray to God that I have made the right choice.

I know God watches over me, always. He knows my heart. He knows my desires, and my needs. I’m sure that He understands my choice.

Since there is no turning back now…. I made my choice, and it’s ” in motion ” now.

Now my only option is to do everything in my power to make sure my choice was the right one. My way of doing that will be my new perspective on Life, my new determination to have a positive optimistic attitude always – or at least as close to always as possible.

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Some random thoughts…. just need to vent a bit…

I had a pretty good day today, all except for having a nagging cough still ! I picked up some over-the-counter allergy medication when I went to the grocery store this morning, so I’m hopeful that one of the medications I bought will help. I hope.

He called me earlier this evening. It was a good phone call, except yet again I can’t help having a nagging feeling that he’s not telling me everything that’s truly on his mind. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something that he’s been hiding from me for awhile now. I’ve tried to nudge it out of him in a very subtle way, but nothing has worked. Whenever I do that he insists that everything is ” fine “, and he’s been completely open and honest with me. I hope this is the truth. Since I can’t shake this nagging feeling, I suppose that only time will tell. If there really is something he’s been hiding from me, I’m sure that eventually it will come out. There will come a point where light will shine on that secret he’s been keeping. Whether this is right or not, this is how I feel at the moment.

I love him very much. Yet with the past we’ve shared, I can’t help wonder if he’s already repeating old behaviors from those times long gone. I want to believe that he’s changed, and he’s learned from his mistakes. We’ve had many conversations about this topic. Every time we discuss it he says the same thing. He always says that he knows what ” not to do ” now compared to back then when his behavior caused a multitude of problems for us.

I recognize that part of our past problems were from my behaviors as well. I’ve told him that I know I made some mistakes too, and I’ve learned from them. I know my words to him are the truth, I hope that time will prove that his words also ring true.

When he called earlier today he gave me some ” good news ” about something that he’s been waiting patiently, and anxiously, to find out about for a long time. I told him that’s wonderful good news. Still he insisted on adding a word of ” caution ” of sorts to the good news, by saying that there are ” still ” other things he needs to accomplish yet.

Every time I turn around it seems that he does his very best to come up with delays. Even when one legitimate delay is over with, he can’t allow me to celebrate, and be completely happy. He has to insist on putting a ” storm cloud ” over the good news, so to speak.

I’ve asked him many times if I am truly the one that he wants to be with for always.

He’s always answered me in the completely affirmative, but it’s always seemed like a ” half-hearted ” reply to me. He’ll say something like, ” Why else would I always call you to talk to you, and let you know what’s going on no matter whether it’s good, or bad ? “

What sort of reply is that ? To me that doesn’t equal any sort of ” love ” feelings, as much as simple friendship instead. Plus, the first thought that comes into my mind whenever he says that is, ” Well, how many Other Women do you call, and talk to often ? I’m fairly certain it’s probably several. ” The reason I think that to myself is that I know for a fact that he’s a huge flirt. He always has been. It’s simply part of his basic personality. He can’t seem to help it, no matter how hard he tries to restrain it.

Lately he can’t seem to resist adding porn site models as friends on his facebook page. Realistically I know that there’s no chance that any of those women would ever get with him, but still I’m only human. I can’t seem to help feeling jealous. I admit it. I suppose I shouldn’t bother feeling jealous though, since with hundreds – sometimes thousands – of other men on their facebook page as ” friends ” – ( ha ! friends ? more like drooling animals.. lol ), there’s no real chance the woman would pick him out of all of those other men. Besides those women only have those facebook profiles to promote their porn sites. It’s all about money. I just hope that he fully understands this, and doesn’t think that any of those women would be truly interested in him. They would likely ” pretend ” to be interested in him so that he would subscribe to their porn site. I’m sure that happens a lot, to a lot of men that think with their ” other head ” ! lol

In closing to this… since it’s already a little past 1 am right now…

They say ” Time heals all wounds “. I’m going to assume that’s not the only thing that time can accomplish. I believe that time can reveal truths, and uncover hidden secrets, shining light in the dark corners that have been swallowing up life for too long.

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