If I had a dollar for every time I’ve found myself in this situation I’d be a millionaire by now. The thing is I know deep down that it’s mostly my fault that I find myself here once again. I made all the same decisions when faced with all of the same choices, so what else could I expect ?
I think that part of the problem is that I’ve never figured out how to look past the fact that I love him. I should have learned a long time ago that loving him just isn’t enough. Loving him doesn’t make all of the other problems go away. It’s been obvious to me for the last month that no matter what I do, or try to do, to help make things better between him and I, it’s never good enough in his eyes. He constantly criticizes me, and constantly assumes I mean the worst by my words and my actions. But when it comes down to how I am towards him, he always expects me to assume the very best of his words and actions. He’s old enough to know what the term ” double standard ” is, and to know how unfair it is to the other person. Yet, over and over he applies a constant ” double standard ” to us.
Today has been a ” typical ” day as far as his most recent behavior. We watched a dvd while we ate lunch, then right after lunch he took a nap. It wasn’t the nap part that upset me. It was the fact that he slept for several hours, and as soon as he’s up he gets dressed to go out for a ” walk “. He barely said two words to me, and I’m sure if I hadn’t asked him where he was going that he wasn’t planning on telling me. Even when he said… ” Walmart probably, “… that wasn’t very clear at all.
After what happened between us yesterday, does he have any right to expect complete belief and confidence from me – ( confidence that he isn’t up to no good ) – ? I don’t think so.
I found out yesterday that besides already having on his facebook profile that he’s ” single “, that he ALSO tells the women he adds that he’s a ” home health aide ” that lives with his ” client ” – ME !!!!
So not only do the women on his profile believe that he’s single and looking for a woman, now they believe he’s some sort of ” good-hearted saint ” that takes care of a sick woman !!!!
After everything I’ve been through over the last five years is it any wonder that finding this out bothered me so much ?! I don’t think so !
But…. of course… he did NOT apologize… did NOT say that he would correct that with those women on facebook…. he said NONE OF THAT !!!!
Oh no… he just looked at me as if I was the ONE in the wrong because I was very upset ! What bullshit !
This has always been the case with him !
He’ll do something obviously VERY WRONG, but then when I react as any normal person with a heart would react, then I am the ONE in the wrong !
I’m sitting here debating whether or not to call him on his cell phone right now, but I know he’ll only see that as me ” checking up on him “. Which in truth it would be, more or less. If I called him, and then it rang strangely because he’s already on the phone with someone else, that would only serve to make me even angrier than I already am at this moment. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t call him right now. I’m glad that at least I have my writing to let out my pent up frustrations, and emotions I have no one to talk about.
That’s another thing that I don’t get at all. He’ll have long conversations with these strange women online, but with me I get one or two words… and that’s it !
Well…. calling him is out now, since he finally got back from his ” walk “.
He went straight to the bathroom when he came in, without saying one word to me. That was odd to say the least, but not completely unlike him. Maybe he simply had to use the bathroom right away. Plus with the heat outside he may have wanted to change out of his sweaty clothes right away. At least I hope that’s the ONLY reasons for him doing that.
Normally I’m not a ” paranoid ” person, but with everything he’s put me through over the years, even a saint would be paranoid.