Seeds of Doubt…. Can they be un-done ? un-planted ? … especially with roots so deep ?

Once the seeds of doubt are planted, how do you undo what’s already been done ?

Trust can be as strong as a hurricane, but once it’s been broken it’s transformed and is as fragile as the most delicate crystal.

The love is there. That I have no doubt of at all. But is love enough ? Can love help mend the Trust that’s been so drastically shattered, and twisted ?

Doubt is a vicious, and evil thing that eats away at a person’s peace of mind, and sense of stability. Doubt is the whisper in your ear late at night when your thoughts are swirling as wildly as the winds of a tornado.

How do you clear your mind and your thoughts of doubts, fears, and suspicions, when all of these emotions are stirred because of past events that shattered your soul ?

Can Trust be ” re-gained ” ? Can Trust be ” re-made ” once it’s been shattered so completely ?

How do you put together a fragile crystal figurine once it’s been shattered into more than a million pieces ?

Trust is a lot like that fragile crystal figurine…. beautiful, very valuable, and something that should be treasured for always.

Too many times though, it’s taken for granted until one day one person’s actions is all it takes to shatter it !

Once it’s shattered, it takes a lot of caring, time, attention, understanding, compassion, and love, to slowly put it back together once again.

I want this to be true. I want this to be possible. Even as I write it, I can’t help wonder if I’m writing it hoping that the ” act ” of writing it out will make it come true.

If only writing out wishes was all it took. If only writing out our deepest desires, and dreams, was all it took for all of it to come to life.

I wish life was that simple. I wish life was as simple as writing out the stories of our lives, just as we would want them to play out.

Perhaps this is why I love reading fantasy as much as I do, because when I read it I am living it. When I read a fantasy novel I can see the world of the story, the people, the adventures that they’re living through.

I wish real life was like the books that I love to read, or at least like the romantic movies that I love. The real world is much colder, and harsher than that, unfortunately.
I love him very much…. but like I’ve said before, is love always enough to make everything right ? Shouldn’t there be much more than just love ? Trust I think is a vital part of any type of relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a family member, or a lover, with anyone you’re connected to you need to feel a real sense of trust with them. If you don’t then constantly there will be a feeling of doubt hanging over everything they do, and everything they say to you. How can you truly believe what they do and say when you’re not 100 % sure that they’re telling you the truth ?
Whenever I try to voice my fears with him, he always turns it back on me. He makes me out to the be the ” bad guy ” every time. Every time he puts up a wall of self-righteousness as if to say, ” why would you ever doubt me ? ” Apparently he’s conveniently pushed aside any memories of how many times he’s deeply hurt me in our past.
What I wonder now is… Should I do that, and act as if he’s a ” completely ” different person now ? He tells me he’s changed since then, but when I see a few of his ” old behaviors ” surface how can I truly believe him ?
I remember too well all of the old behaviors that were a key part of the main heart break he caused me in our past. According to him now I’m supposed to look the ” other way ” when any of those old behaviors resurface, and believe that it’s NOT a sign that he’s going to go right back to everything he’s done before !
Sure we had talked about all of this on the phone a lot before he came back to me. Talking on the phone, and living with each other, interacting with each other each day, and night, is an entirely different story. It’s too easy to say anything on the phone. It’s not so simple to put it into action in person.
He’s forgotten conveniently again, that he had made me several promises before he came back to me. Those promises went straight out the window after only maybe a week at the most ! If I was to dare point that out to him though, he would just turn things around on me instead. He seems to love to make it seem like ANY arguments, or disagreements we have, are ALWAYS ONLY my fault ! It’s NEVER something he said, or did, it’s only on me !
I remember distinctly talking to him about this ” one-sided ” type of behavior on the phone long before he came back. Like those promises he had made to me on the phone, this too has definitely been forgotten.
He needs to open his eyes, and see the real truth !
He needs to see the simple fact that arguments take two people, and are never just one person’s fault.
I can’t make him see this, no matter what I say, or do.
I know this is a realization he has to come to completely on his own. I hate to admit this, even just in this post, but it is the truth.
I’ve never considered myself a ” control freak “. I know that there are many things throughout life that we can not control. Still, it’d be nice once in awhile to be able to control certain things, especially when it involves personal relationships.
For example…. One thing he’s started a very bad habit of doing is telling me to ” shut up “, whenever he doesn’t want to hear what I want to say !
I’m sure I’ve told him that I can not stand anyone telling me to shut up ! I went through that garbage far too much when I was married for ten years ! I was married to a loser that never wanted to talk about anything at all ! My ex-husband would tell me to ” shut up “, and add very cruel names to that as well, nearly every day !
I’ve told him about what I went through with my ex-husband. I’m positive I have, at least two, or maybe three times, or more. Yet again, he seems to pick, and choose conveniently what he forgets !
Plus…. whenever he starts telling me a very long winded story about his past, I never yell out, ” SHUT UP, ” even if I’m secretly wishing that the story would end soon.
According to him apparently HE is allowed to say anything, and talk as much as he wants, whenever he wants to, and never have me tell him to ” SHUT UP ” ! But it’s ” okay ” for him to do that to me, even if I’m honestly trying to talk to him about something that’s very important to me !
For a relationship to be truly happy, and truly successful, doesn’t there need to be a clear sense of mutual respect, understanding, compassion, and patience, among many other things as well ?
Double standards have no place in a truly successful relationship. I am positive of this. I’ve read it in many articles, but I don’t need to read it anywhere since it’s simple common sense.
How can I live with this every day, and night ?
Can I truly live with this every day, and night, and still say sane ? Still have peace of mind ?
I took him back with ” open eyes “, but I can’t help wondering if I listened to my heart too much. I should have listened closer to the thoughts, and doubts swirling around in my mind. Admittedly I had doubts before he actually came back, but I thought I had more time to resolve them. The date he came back was moved up at the last minute, and it took me by surprise. I hadn’t had a chance to completely resolve the doubts that had been hanging over my thoughts like a thunder storm threatening to begin at any moment.
Even though I still had doubts, I didn’t want to say ” NO ” to him coming back to me because I missed him so very much. So I concentrated on the fact that I loved him – ( and still do very much so ), missed him, and I pushed aside the doubts I still had. I thought I could keep those doubts pushed down, buried, and hidden. They wouldn’t stay that way though, as soon as I saw him start to show signs of a few of his ” old behaviors “. Those behaviors were like a green flag being waved at the beginning of a car race, as far as my doubts were concerned. I’ve attempted a few times to try to explain this to him, but my words fell on deaf ears.
Either he didn’t understand what I was explaining to him, or he didn’t want to understand what his behaviors were doing to me.
Now he expects me to quiet all of my doubts and fears completely, and stay completely silent about all of it no matter how I’m truly feeling. I’m supposed to turn away from the way he’s being right in front of my face ! I’m supposed to turn away from it, and not care ! HOW ????????
What he doesn’t get at all is that if I didn’t care about any of this, that would be a clear sign that my love for him had died completely ! The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. He’s obviously not recognizing, or understanding this fact.
It’s the fact that I do love him very much, and I want him and I to work out well, is why I get upset when I see any signs of the ” old behaviors ” that tore us completely apart in our past. How can I not be upset when I see that, when all I want is his true love, and caring ? I want him to want our happiness as much as I want it, but lately many days I can’t help wonder if he truly wants this ?! He’ll say he does, but as he’s shown many times before words come easy to him. His words can be super sweet, but it’s his actions that I want… not just his words !
I understand that he wants me to put the past in the past, but how can I do this completely when he shows me signs of the ” old behaviors ” that were the beginning of the end for us before ?
How is it fair for him to expect me to turn away from his behaviors, and not react, when he won’t make a true effort to stop letting his ” old behaviors ” resurface ????
It’s not fair…. but no matter how much I try to talk to him about this calmly, it does no good at all…. he still continues to do as he thinks is ” okay “.
Can I truly live with all of this ? Can I truly accept him completely just as he is ” right now “, since there’s no true sign of him trying to change his actions ?
I don’t know.
All I know is that I love him. I took him back wanting us to work out, and now things aren’t how he ” promised me ” they would be…. I don’t know what to do.
I suppose only Time will tell if anything changes, or not.

Advertisements

About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Be Yourself... Not who the Media says You should be, Desires, Doubts, Dreams, Expressing Love, Expressing My Thoughts, Fears, Feelings, Forever Love, Frustration, Holding onto Hope, Life Choices, Mixed Feelings and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s