It’s been almost a month, and a half, since my ” former ” ex-boyfriend came back to me, to be with me – and to live with me.
While I am happy that he’s back, since I love him very much, and missed him terribly while we were apart. Still, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that these days since his return have all been a ” bed of roses “.
I knew deep down that there would be a period of adjustment, since we had been apart for a total of five years. Still, somehow I had allowed myself to be naive enough that I believed ” everything ” would be completely different this time.
Before I start sounding too dark, and/or negative, I have to say that ” some ” things have been very different. By different, I mean a ton better than the last time he was with me. He has showed me in many ways that he has changed for the ” better ” in the last five years.
Despite those ” positive ” changes though, there are still moments when he behaves so much like before that memories of past heartbreak, and betrayal, come flooding back into my thoughts. I try hard to not allow those dark thoughts of the past to overtake me, but I’ve found it’s unavoidable when some of his behaviors match our past times together.
When this occurs I’ve tried to calmly explain that what he’s doing reminds me of the past very much so, and brings back old memories, and fears. Instead of doing anything at all to ” adjust ” this behavior that’s stirring up flashes of our past, he turns the situation around on me as if I’m the one in the wrong.
Several times he’s reminded me that ” on the phone ” before he came back I had said that I would put all of the old memories of our past behind me.
Yes I had said that, and even said that, ” the past is the past, and I want to focus on our future together. ” All of what I said was true at it’s core. I meant it when I said it.
I still mean it, except that as soon as he started behaving in several of his ” old ways ” from our past, I couldn’t help feeling that perhaps I had made that
promise way too soon.
It’s easy to promise things on the phone when you haven’t been together 24 / 7, and lived together under the same roof, for five years.
It’s easy to behave in ways that you wouldn’t normally behave, while you’re on the phone with someone. You only have to look at how many 1-900 phone numbers there are out there to realize that ! lol
Knowing this fact I just mentioned about phone conversations, I can’t help wonder how many things he said to me in the many telephone calls before he came back he truly meant, and truly planned on keeping to. Or like me did he say certain things easily on the phone, and then realized once he got here that he can’t truly keep his promises, or he didn’t completely mean them ? Or both ?
How do you truly leave the ” Past ” in the ” Past ” when it hurt you down to the very core of your heart, and soul ?
What’s so twisted is that despite the ” hurt ” my new boyfriend – ” former ” ex-boyfriend, caused me in our past, I never stopped loving him.
Yes I’ve read the psychology articles about what this potentially means about me, but I can’t help how I am.
When I fall in love I fall completely, with every fiber of my heart, and soul.
Never in my life have I ever fell in love for just a few days, or a few months. When I fall in love, it’s for good. I fall in love for always.
If the other falls out of love with me, then I do what I must do to move on, but a part of my heart still has feelings for them, and always will.
Wrong, or right, this is simply how I’ve always been. The books on the subject can say anything that they want. No amount of books, or articles from experts, will ever change how I am.
I am my own expert. I do the best I can for myself. Sometimes my best doesn’t work out very well, but many times it does.
I am thankful for my love of writing. I’ve enjoyed writing since I have in high school. That was a ” lifetime ” ago, since I’m 47 years old now.
Back to the topic of my post….
I love my boyfriend very much. It was my choice to take him back. I could have said no to him, despite how irresistible he may think he is to women.
I didn’t choose to take him back lightly. I did it knowing his good points, and bad ones.
I simply hope that he’ll realize that as accepting as I am of his bad points, he should show me the same respect, and be accepting of all of my bad points too.
After all, unconditional love is really the only way to go as far as having a truly healthy, and happy relationship. This is my opinion.
If you truly love someone you should be able to accept them completely – good and bad.
What I can not, and will not tolerate – and shouldn’t be forced to tolerate – is when the One I’m with is not showing me the same level of tolerance, understanding, and compassion.
A relationship must have equal give and take. One-sided behavior only causes resentments, bitterness, and eventually inevitably it will destroy the relationship.
I don’t want him and I to be ” one-sided “, so whenever he starts to show signs of old bad behaviors, or be disrespectful towards me, I do my best to calmly talk to him about it. I do this hoping that by staying calm I’m diffusing the potential for a very bad argument, and also making him aware how his behavior is affecting me.
Many times I feel that he doesn’t realize what sort of impact his behavior has on me.
During the five years we were apart, I imagine that he must have forgotten how emotional, empathetic, and sensitive I am with the One I love very much.
I’ve always had the soul of an empath.
That’s helped me make friends, but also at times it weighs on me since when someone I love is suffering, then I’m suffering too.
To wrap up my ramblings… lol …
I love him very much, and don’t want to lose him again.
So I’m hopeful that he’ll be patient with me as far as my slowly letting go of past memories, and turning my focus instead on our present, and future. Plus I hope that he’ll ” wake up ” – open his eyes completely, and see that certain behaviors he’s displayed since he came back are ” triggers ” for me that cause flashbacks to a certain degree of the past we shared. It’s a past I truly want to leave in the past, so I hope that he’ll do his part, and actively try to behave in different ways now.
He made a lot of promises to me before he came back, and so far he’s kept a few of them but not all of them. I’m hoping that in time this will change.
I suppose time will tell.