Once not that long ago I had all kinds of hopes and dreams for having my ” love ” back in my life once again, and finally having the happiness I thought we were meant to have together.
That was then ….
This is now ….
Now he’s here, and somehow those hopes and dreams seemed to have slipped through my fingers like the mists of a winter’s morning.
He was full of light, love, and promises, before he came back to me.
He assured me over and over that all of the sweet words he spoke to me were the truth.
I had been longing for so long to hear those words from him that I couldn’t resist believing every one of them. Even when doubts whispered in the back of my mind, I hushed them right away, and refused to pay them any mind.
I didn’t want to stop for even a moment to think that he may have been simply telling me all of the things he knew I wanted so much to hear from him.
He knew me after all, since we’ve known each other for many years.
Even though we’d been apart for five years, still you remember certain things about each other.
The twist for me that sealed my fate was his constant insisting that he’s changed from how he was when we were last together. Almost every other phone call we had he would insist that his behaviors in many ways had changed, so we would not have the same problems we had in our past.
I feel so naive for believing this promise.
I wanted so much for it to be true, I refused to allow myself to stop for a moment to consider the real possibility that he was nearly exactly the same as before.
What’s so ironic, is that during a few arguments we’ve had so far he’s insisted that I haven’t changed ” my ways ” from how I was in our past.
He refuses to see that it’s not that I haven’t changed, it’s simply that he hasn’t changed so he still sees the world with the same twisted attitude when his anger, and impatience takes over.
I had asked him more times than I can count if he would be much more understanding, and patient with me than he’s been in our past. Of course his answer every time was ” yes of course he will be “, because he knows that he wants us to be happy together for good this time. These weren’t his exact words of course, but this was the general idea of what he had said.
Almost the very next day after he had arrived, the reality of how he would behave with me was already starting to become very clear.
Would it have been too much to ask for just two weeks at least of complete peace and harmony, before his true nature started to show ?
As of tomorrow it will be one month exactly since he came back to me, to be with me, and live here with me.
Am I happy ?
I wish I could clearly answer this.
It was my choice to allow him back into my life.
Whatever the outcome of this it is completely on me.
I could have told him ” No “, but how do you do that when you’re completely sick and tired of living alone ?
I wanted someone here with me.
I wanted someone here to talk to face to face.
I wanted someone here to share with, and laugh with.
Are those things too much to ask for ?
I didn’t think so.
I am only human after all, just as we all are.
I’d been living alone for years. Years of solitude can start to wear on a person, no matter how strong and independent they try to be. Strength can only get you so far until finally your heart and soul cries out from some companionship.
The problem now is….
Did I truly get what I wanted ?
I’m really not sure yet.
At this moment the way he behaves to me it seems he’s more like a roommate than a boyfriend. Sure he says ” I love you “, every day. But what good are those words when you don’t back them up with your behavior and your attitude towards the one you supposedly love ?
Words are empty and soulless when there’s no true feeling behind them.
I don’t want ” words ” from him.
I want ” true love ” from him.
Is that too much to ask for ?
I really don’t think so.