It’s not like I didn’t know the risks going in, but still I hung onto hope like a person drowning in an endless sea with only a piece of driftwood to hang onto, and no sign of land anywhere in sight.
I know him. I’ve known him now for eleven years, so I know everything about him, good and bad. Despite this I suppose I wanted to believe every word he said to me on the phone, and in letters, so much that I convinced myself that he was telling me the complete truth, and had truly changed as he had claimed.
Now with still a few days to go before he will have been back with me for one month, tonight my curiosity got the better of me when he was in the bathroom, and I spied on a couple of instant messages he was getting on facebook from women.
I don’t know what I thought I would find in those messages,
but I know it wasn’t what I saw.
What I found was that he was talking to two women that each claim to ” love him “, and as if it wasn’t bad enough to see that they were saying ” I love you ” multiple times to him tonight, but also he told both of them that I was ” up his ass tonight ” !
What he meant by his hateful comment was that earlier I had been asking him questions about who he was chatting with on facebook. That’s what he calls me being, ” up his ass ” ! I don’t feel that it’s fair of him at all to see it that way when obviously my suspicions were proved correct in a sense by the way he was talking to the two of them.
He’s ” supposed to be ” back with me, as my boyfriend – living with me.
I wish someone would explain to me how, and in what universe, that gives him the right to chat with multitudes of other women online, going as far as having them tell him ” I love you “, and to top it off ” bad mouthing ” me to them !
If I was doing that with men on facebook I could guarantee that he would not like it one bit ! He would be just as ” up my ass ” the way he claims I am to him.
But of course if he’s doing it, it’s okay !?!
Regardless of what happened tonight, and the BIG ARGUMENT that ensued as a result once he came out of the bathroom, and saw how upset I was, still I have to face the fact that I was the one that made the decision to open my life up to him once again.
I decided to let him come back, even knowing him as completely as I do.
I let him come back because I love him very much, and I was hopeful that he had truly changed as much as he claimed on the phone, and in letters, before he came back.
He made multitudes of promises to me before he came back, and ” perhaps ” foolishly I believed them all. I couldn’t seem to help myself because I missed him so much.
We had been apart for five years. That’s a lifetime for two people to be apart, especially when both of us had interactions with others during that time. Though he had true relationships with others during that time, while I only had a few brief encounters, nothing real, or serious at all. I couldn’t bring myself to commit to anyone at all during those years because I was holding on so tight to the hope that ” HE ” would be back one day. Now…. Now he’s back, and the doubts and fears are threatening to drown me right now. I’m terrified that I may have made a huge mistake taking him back.
I don’t want this to be the case. I still want things to work out the way I have always wanted them to between him and I. I want him to stay, and not just out of some sense of obligation to me because he had made me so many promises. I want him to stay with me because he truly loves me, wants me, and wants to share his life with me.
Are those hopes, and desires foolish ?
I hope not.
I guess only Time will tell.
But after Tonight I can’t pretend to be ” blind ” anymore.
I will trust him, but I won’t be putting on the ” rose-colored glasses ” anymore.
At least … not until some time has passed, and our interactions have taken a clear turn for the better…. the way I hope, and pray that they will.