I broke the ” cardinal rule ” and took back an ex-bf, even though many would think I was crazy for doing it.
It’s only been one week and four days, and it feels like it’s been a year.
Shouldn’t time be ” flying by ” if it’s all good ?
Instead of being all good like I had dreamed it would be, and was so certain it would be, it’s been an uphill struggle every day to adjust.
Not only is it an adjustment to living with someone again, since I’d been living alone for five years, but also it’s been an adjustment to try my hardest to accept my ex-bf – ( now boyfriend ) – completely, and unconditionally.
I thought that during those years that we were apart that we resolved most of our old issues that caused disagreements, and the occasional huge blow up. What I’ve found out in this past week and a half approx. is that settling issues and agreeing on better ways of dealing with those issues over the phone, is a hell of a lot different that actually putting those solutions into practice in person.
I should have seen this coming, but naively I let my heart think for my head. All I knew was that I missed him, loved him, and needed him back in my life again.
I am trying to look at things differently, and leave the past in the past. Yet how do you do that when those past issues rise up once again right in your face ?
Do you pretend that they are not happening ? Ignore them ?
How though ? HOW ?
I want things to be different this time. I don’t want to deal with the heart break, and pain that I went through in the past. He has promised that he won’t put me through that pain again. I want to believe him, but it’s hard when I see him doing certain actions that are very similar to old behaviors that caused me nothing but turmoil.
What to do now ? He’s here…. he claims he wants to stay… he says that I am enough for him, and that he is happy to be here.
If all of that were one-hundred percent true then why does he talk to, and flirt with, so many different women online, and even have a couple of them calling him on his cell phone ? How can I ignore that, and pretend it’s not happening, and not hurting me down to my core ? I’ve told him, and showed him that it hurts me when he talks to those other women, and hurts me very much so when he flirts so bluntly with them.
His reply is always the same…. ” I’m not out ****ing them am I ? “
Why does it have to come down to that ? I don’t understand why he can’t open his eyes completely, and put himself in my shoes. Maybe this is simply the way most men are as far as seeing a situation from another perspective. I don’t know. I wish I knew.
What is comes down to is simple.
I can’t control what he does no matter how much I explain to him how his actions bother me. All I can is hope that he will adjust his actions accordingly so they don’t seem so much like the bad behaviors of the past. Also I hope that he’ll remember that truly loving someone is more than just saying, ” I love you. ” He’s only three years younger than me. He’s forty-four years old, so he’s plenty old enough to be able to understand this basic relationship concept.
I hope he understands, and puts it into practice soon before his current actions drive me to complete distraction, and emotional pain.
What it comes down to is that I do truly love him dearly, and I want our renewed relationship to work out this time. I want to share my life with him always. I’ve told him this many times, and he’s said he wants this as well. I hope time will tell that he’s telling me the real truth straight from his heart, and soul.