I had a pretty good day today, all except for having a nagging cough still ! I picked up some over-the-counter allergy medication when I went to the grocery store this morning, so I’m hopeful that one of the medications I bought will help. I hope.
He called me earlier this evening. It was a good phone call, except yet again I can’t help having a nagging feeling that he’s not telling me everything that’s truly on his mind. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something that he’s been hiding from me for awhile now. I’ve tried to nudge it out of him in a very subtle way, but nothing has worked. Whenever I do that he insists that everything is ” fine “, and he’s been completely open and honest with me. I hope this is the truth. Since I can’t shake this nagging feeling, I suppose that only time will tell. If there really is something he’s been hiding from me, I’m sure that eventually it will come out. There will come a point where light will shine on that secret he’s been keeping. Whether this is right or not, this is how I feel at the moment.
I love him very much. Yet with the past we’ve shared, I can’t help wonder if he’s already repeating old behaviors from those times long gone. I want to believe that he’s changed, and he’s learned from his mistakes. We’ve had many conversations about this topic. Every time we discuss it he says the same thing. He always says that he knows what ” not to do ” now compared to back then when his behavior caused a multitude of problems for us.
I recognize that part of our past problems were from my behaviors as well. I’ve told him that I know I made some mistakes too, and I’ve learned from them. I know my words to him are the truth, I hope that time will prove that his words also ring true.
When he called earlier today he gave me some ” good news ” about something that he’s been waiting patiently, and anxiously, to find out about for a long time. I told him that’s wonderful good news. Still he insisted on adding a word of ” caution ” of sorts to the good news, by saying that there are ” still ” other things he needs to accomplish yet.
Every time I turn around it seems that he does his very best to come up with delays. Even when one legitimate delay is over with, he can’t allow me to celebrate, and be completely happy. He has to insist on putting a ” storm cloud ” over the good news, so to speak.
I’ve asked him many times if I am truly the one that he wants to be with for always.
He’s always answered me in the completely affirmative, but it’s always seemed like a ” half-hearted ” reply to me. He’ll say something like, ” Why else would I always call you to talk to you, and let you know what’s going on no matter whether it’s good, or bad ? “
What sort of reply is that ? To me that doesn’t equal any sort of ” love ” feelings, as much as simple friendship instead. Plus, the first thought that comes into my mind whenever he says that is, ” Well, how many Other Women do you call, and talk to often ? I’m fairly certain it’s probably several. ” The reason I think that to myself is that I know for a fact that he’s a huge flirt. He always has been. It’s simply part of his basic personality. He can’t seem to help it, no matter how hard he tries to restrain it.
Lately he can’t seem to resist adding porn site models as friends on his facebook page. Realistically I know that there’s no chance that any of those women would ever get with him, but still I’m only human. I can’t seem to help feeling jealous. I admit it. I suppose I shouldn’t bother feeling jealous though, since with hundreds – sometimes thousands – of other men on their facebook page as ” friends ” – ( ha ! friends ? more like drooling animals.. lol ), there’s no real chance the woman would pick him out of all of those other men. Besides those women only have those facebook profiles to promote their porn sites. It’s all about money. I just hope that he fully understands this, and doesn’t think that any of those women would be truly interested in him. They would likely ” pretend ” to be interested in him so that he would subscribe to their porn site. I’m sure that happens a lot, to a lot of men that think with their ” other head ” ! lol
In closing to this… since it’s already a little past 1 am right now…
They say ” Time heals all wounds “. I’m going to assume that’s not the only thing that time can accomplish. I believe that time can reveal truths, and uncover hidden secrets, shining light in the dark corners that have been swallowing up life for too long.