Most of the time what I write on here I try to make it into a poem of sorts, or at least a poetic letter. Despite this though, I write because I love to write. I write for the release, and the clarity it gives me after I’ve written all of my scattered thoughts down. Given this, sometimes you will see that my post is more or less a simple raving diatribe. Sometimes I simply need to let go of thoughts I’ve been pushing down, and holding back for far too long. Whatever I write on here, even though I realize this is a ” public ” blog, I’m not writing posts on here for anyone. I write for myself, end of story. If anyone reads it, and gets something out of it fine, but even if no one reads my posts that’s still fine with me. The size, or lack thereof, my audience, won’t make me close up my blog, and stop writing. As long as my fingers can move, and I can express my thoughts – whatever they may be – through my writing, then I will continue to write.
With all of this said….
I put ” Tired of the games ” for my title of this post for a very specific reason.
There is a significant other in my life that seems to believe that it’s okay to string me along, and play games with my feelings.
One day he’ll say the sweetest things that make my heart want to leap out of my chest with joy, but then the very next day he’ll be as cold as a winter storm in Alaska.
I’m tired of it. I need to know if I am his one and only, or not. He says he loves me, but since words are my thing I know how easy words can be. Words are nice, and can be very sweet to hear, but it’s your actions that prove where your heart stands.
Lately I can’t help feeling very puzzled about where his heart truly stands.
I’ve reminded him many times that I always want the truth, no matter what. He always insists that he understands that, and will always be honest.
Still, I have a nagging feeling in my gut that there is something he’s not been telling me.
I’ve been wondering if he doesn’t love me anymore, but he’s simply too scared to tell me. I know how he hates it when a woman cries, he simply can’t stand it. I wonder… would he say whatever it took so he wouldn’t make me cry ? Even if it meant to continue lying to me ?
What would be the point in that ? It’s not like he gets any benefit from lying to me, since I’m sure he has enough common sense to know that if he lies to me eventually I will find out the truth. So he knows that lying to me would in the end be a lot worse than telling me the truth from the beginning. I just don’t know. I’m not sure what to think.
I can’t shake this feeling that he’s hiding something.
Is it just me though ? I know I have a bunch of fears, and insecurities. Could it be that because of my fears, and insecurities, I’m seeing a problem where there really isn’t one ?
I do tend to over think EVERYTHING ! I am very guilty of that ! I am definitely an over thinker, and very much a worrier as well. Those things can stir up doubts, and suspicions, even when there really is nothing wrong.
Maybe it is just me, and I’m worrying for nothing ?
I hope so. I hope that something changes soon, for better or worse, so I know exactly if my fears were baseless, or not.