I don’t know exactly why it feels this way, but time after time every time I get near having what I want in life something happens, and it slips away.
As soon as my dreams of real happiness appear to be just within my grasp, that’s when something happens at the last moment to yank it away from me yet again.
This has happened so many times in my life that it makes me wonder why I bother hoping for anything anymore. Why bother when chances are pretty good that ” something ” will either make it not possible,or ” something ” will yank it away from me well beyond my reach. I’m so tired of it happening so often.
Many people say that you can be the author of changes in your life, that you can make your dreams come true. How can I believe that when every time I try, it never works out ?
Sometimes it feels like there’s a darkness always lurking around me waiting for it’s perfect moment to strike. That darkness never seems far away, since it’s always ready to surround me, and put it’s icy fingers around my throat cutting off my ability to scream.
I try to reach for my dreams. I try to reach for what I know would make me happy.
Yet when my attempts always seem to fail, either before things begin, or soon after just as I get comfortable and start to feel secure that I finally have what I want; so WHY should I try anymore ? Why try when you’ve seen the proof many times that your attempts won’t work ? Why bother ?
I suppose some people would say that Life is one continuous struggle, and it’s not whether you find your happiness, or not, but that you never give up that’s important.
I say that is much easier said than done.
I feel that only the ones that haven’t actually experienced as much misery, failures, and disappointments as I have, can say that statement about Life, and truly believe it.
Of course I have to add that I do realize that numerous people have had many more bad experiences than I have, but it’s relative. It has a lot to do with the individual, and what they can cope with in their life. Some can face tragedy, and still come out of it with a positive attitude, and move on with their life. While others, like me, experience every negative experience as something that tears at the heart and soul, and leaves pain and scars that are very hard to forget. As much as I try not to, every negative experience in my life seems to leave an imprint on the depths of my soul, and I am left very hard pressed to move past that feeling of total misery, and sadness. No matter how much I reach for my dreams of happiness, the memories of my past failures haunt me, and the doubts are always there that real happiness is not meant to be a part of my life.
Before you think that I don’t want to be happy, I can assure you that it’s not that.
I would LOVE to be happy, and feel that I’ve finally grasped my dreams.
It’s only that I’m fearful of reaching for my dreams anymore since so many times I’ve tried, and failed. Repeated failure in any situation is bound to leave it’s mark on you, and make it hard to be hopeful in the future.
How do you keep hoping ? I wish I knew.
Maybe it’s a matter of patience ? Perhaps I’m not patience enough to continue to keep trying to grasp my dreams of happiness, no matter how many times they keep slipping away. Patience doesn’t seem to run in my family. My father has never been a very patient man. I witnessed that in him growing up, and now he’s 84 I still see it in him today.
I know this is not about my father though, since this is my life.
I’m simply looking for answers when there seems to be none. I’m trying to understand my life, and how to turn it around. I’m tired. I’m tired of the pain.
I know what I want, and I can see it on the horizon.
Every time I rush to get close to it, that’s when it slips away again.
I wish to God the ” slipping away ” would finally stop.
I deserve to finally have my real happiness.
I deserve to have my dreams come true….