Is it natural to often want what’s out of our reach ?

It’s been a very grey, and rainy day here today. Weather like that always puts me in a very deep-thinking mood. That’s saying a lot since I’m naturally an over-thinker already, most of the time.
As I’m sitting here with music cranked up fairly loudly trying desperately to drown out the constant ” thumping ” of my upstairs neighbors, I thought I’d try to get some writing done to distract myself.
You’d think during a rainy day such as this that it’d be easy to sort out my thoughts, especially since it’s not like I have anything else pressing to do at the moment. I probably ” should have ” done some cleaning today, but that’s not my most favorite thing to do so I decided that can wait a little longer.
The biggest problem I’ve always had with sorting my thoughts out is that I tend to think about too many things at once. How do you decide which to focus on first ? They all seem ” important ” to me, even if their importance varies by degrees.
One thing I thought about focusing on for purposes of this post at least, is ” romance “. More specifically I mean when you have feelings for more than one person at the same time, especially when at least one of those people is completely out of your reach.
Why is it that we tend to always want something that’s out of our reach ? Is it basic human nature to do this, or is it a more specific individual fault ?
Maybe it’s built into our natures so that we’re always trying to better our lives, instead of settling for second best.
All I know for sure, is that I’d be lying to myself if I said that I’m completely over the guy in Maine. Even though he told me back on October 12th that he only wanted to be ” Just Friends ” from now on, still I can’t seem to chase thoughts of him out of my mind, and my heart. It seems like he must have successfully put thoughts of me away in a far dark corner of his mind, since I have hardly heard a word from him since that last phone call. So much for his supposed ” wanting to be Friends ” speech. What sort of friends barely ever communicate ? That’s not true friendship in my mind. I wish I didn’t still think about him as much as I do. Many times I still finding myself wishing that he would change his mind about ” Us “, and revoke his ” Just Friends ” clause. I want more than that from him, and I can’t seem to help this feeling. What do you do with that when the one your focused on doesn’t appear to feel the same way ? It feels like grade school all over again ! LOL ! I should be above this. Shouldn’t I ? I always assumed that as an adult a person would have a certain better level of control over their feelings, especially over romantic feelings. I was very wrong !
In fact, it’s probably even worse at times as an adult since we feel romantic feelings even stronger having a better understanding of what we’re truly feeling.
I didn’t ” fall for him ” overnight. I developed feelings for the Maine guy over a very long, and involved long distance relationship. It had lasted for over 7 years ! Yet still, he had insisted that I should have seen that we weren’t going to be able to take the ” next step ” in our relationship. Why should I have seen that ? He had always assured me of his undying, and passionate love, over the phone. I never felt that I had a reason to think he was being anything except completely sincere. I always believed him. Maybe that’s where I made my biggest, and most fatal mistake. Yet, how can you truly feel real love if you go into it mistrusting from the start ? I don’t think it can work that way. If you do that then you’re going into it with a closed heart, and setting yourself up for disappointment before anything’s even begun.
Sitting here writing about this I find myself pondering over what my ” next step ” could possibly be where the ” Maine guy ” is concerned. I’m at a complete loss. I don’t think I have any true options. If I try to communicate with him too much, then I seem too needy, and desperate. Besides if I did that, then chances are very good that I would end up pushing him even farther away from me. I don’t want to end up doing that !
I can’t figure him out lately, and it’s been aggravating me to no end ! He’ll spend time on his facebook page, and even post things to other people, as well as comment on other people’s post, BUT… He still hasn’t accepted my Friend Request ! WHY ? He hasn’t bothered to explain to me why he hasn’t accepted it yet. If he truly doesn’t want to accept it, then why hasn’t he deleted it ? Why string me along ? It’s maddening !
Maybe he has some thought in his mind that I’m going to try whatever I can to tear apart his ” new relationship ” with that woman he was ” in a relationship with ” only six days after my last phone call with him. That might be part of what’s delaying him accepting my facebook friend request. He should trust me better than that though, since I’ve known him for many years now. Sure, I’ve told him that I can’t help it that I still ” Love Him “, but I even pointed out that I don’t want that to stop him and I from being friends. He should give me some credit. Why would I have said all of that unless I meant it ? He’s not a kid. He should know as well as any adult that sometimes a person in love has to put aside their feelings, and put the other person’s desires before their own. It’s simply part of being an adult. It’s LIFE. It happens sometimes, even though we wish it wouldn’t.
What’s that saying… ” If you Love something let it go, and IF it comes back to You, then it’s Yours, but IF it never comes back to You then it was NEVER truly Yours to begin with ? “… I think that’s how that saying goes.
That’s exactly how I’m trying very hard to be at this moment. I’m trying to live with that in mind, no matter how much I want to reach out to him, and plead with him to take me back ! I know that no amount of pleading, or begging of any kind would help my cause at all ! In fact doing any of that would greatly hurt my status with him. That is, if I still have any sort of ” status ” with him at this point. I’m not sure if I do anymore. For all I know, maybe now he only has eyes for ” HER ” ! I realize that I have to face that as a very possible fact. I can’t avoid it as much as I wish I could.
I wish things were different. If only we could ” wave a magic wand “, and change our lives in a flash to the way we wish they were. If only it was that simple.
Many times I wish I didn’t have a heart that cares so deeply. I always seem to fall ” too hard “, and ” too fast “, and inevitably it always ends up with me alone in a room with a broken heart.
What I can’t seem to figure out at this moment in time is WHY am I wishing that things were different with the ” Maine guy ” – that obviously doesn’t want me in that way anymore, when I have an ex-boyfriend that wants me back in a very big way ! Still as much as my ex-bf wants me back, I’m sitting here wishing I could have the ONE that’s out of my reach ! Damn it’s aggravating ! My heart needs a big dose of common sense. When have you ever heard of ” Loving Someone passionately ” making any sort of sense ?!
It doesn’t… Never has, and probably never will.

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Broken Dreams, Broken Heart, Desires, Despair, Doubts, Fears, Heart Break, Heart's Choices, Hope, Hopeful Heart, Long Distance Relationship, Mixed Feelings, Passion, Relationships, Restless, Restless Thoughts, Shattered Heart, Sweetheart, Swirling Thoughts, Yearning and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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