How do you ” switch off ” your heart ?

Even in the face of a decision that was made for me, still how do I ” switch off ” feelings that have been a part of me for years ? Of course I realize it’s pointless to hang onto feelings for someone else when they’ve obviously decided that you won’t be a part of their life in that sense anymore. Still, knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to let go of the love you’ve felt for them for many years.
During all of those years he always professed his undying love for me. Somehow he’s obviously ” switched off ” his heart. I wish I knew how he did it. I don’t understand how he did that when he always seemed so sincere when he said he truly loved me. He sounded so cold on the phone a little over one month ago when he said that he wants to be ” Just Friends ” with me from now on. Did he honestly think I was going to take that well ? He must have, since he seemed almost surprised at how upset I was, and a little later he must have been shocked at how angry I probably sounded in the email I sent to him right after the phone conversation. Perhaps I should have waited till I had ” cooled down ” a little, before emailing him. It doesn’t matter now since it’s past and done. It was something I felt I needed to do, and I don’t regret it. I felt I needed to show him somehow just how much he had hurt me.
Now it’s been about a month and a half since that phone conversation. I’ve had lots of time to think, and evaluate everything that ever was or ” wasn’t ” between him and I. I’ve realized that we might as well have been living in two different countries, for all of the differences in where we had been born – raised – and lived all of our lives. As much as I had hoped, and desired him to be with me here in Florida, I’ve decided that it’s very unlikely that he would have been truly happy here. He may have tried to act ” happy ” at first for my sake, and for the sake of our relationship. Eventually though, the truth would have come out somehow, and he potentially could have ended up bitter and hateful towards me for having him leave the state he loves so much.
From the little bit I know of where he lives in Maine, my location here in Florida may as well be New York city in comparison. It’d be equivalent to him leaving a small town, and moving to a very busy city, even though technically Brandon is a suburb. It’s a very busy suburb. To give a fairly accurate idea of the difference between his location in Maine, and mine here in Florida, his area’s population is about 36,000. The population where I live here in Florida is approximately three times that much, about 108,000. That would require a huge amount of adjustment for someone to move to. I’ve opened my eyes to that fact, even though I wish it wasn’t true.
Still… even knowing all of this to be true, it still doesn’t make it any easier for me to ” switch off ” my heart. I wish I didn’t love him. At times I almost wish I’d never met him. I use that term loosely since I never actually met him in person. I suppose it’s a good thing that I hadn’t, since he probably still would have ended up turning away from me. It would have been twice as worse now, if I had spent time with him in person just to have the possibility of that ever happening again ripped away from me.
I wish I didn’t feel so lost right now. I’m simply not sure how to proceed at this point. How do you move on ? How do you let go when you had hung onto a dream for years ?
I have many more questions than answers at this point. I hope that eventually the answers will come to me.

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Broken Dreams, Despair, Heart Break, Picking Up the Pieces, Restless, Restless Thoughts, Shattered Heart, Sorrow and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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