Mistake ? … Maybe, maybe not… doesn’t really matter either way

I realize that I’ve said in other posts that I wouldn’t do this no matter how much I thought about it.
That’s a mute point now. I decided that I would give in to the urge to email my ” former ” Maine Sweetheart.
Yes, I do completely realize that it won’t change the situation. I know this. I also understand that chances are very good that He probably won’t reply to it, much less even read it. It doesn’t matter. I’ve accepted all of that, and more. I don’t see making it a ” habit ” as far as emailing him goes, but just this once I felt compelled to do it. One thing’s for sure, I won’t be holding my breath waiting for a response. I know how pointless that would be. Besides no matter what He may, or may not say in a reply, it won’t change what he’s already done and how he’s destroyed my trust in him.
I know that nothing I could possibly say or do will change what’s happened. What’s done is done. One thing I’ve thought about a lot is, ” Why should I let what He did to me change WHO I am ? ” A big part of what makes me a unique individual is the way that I always believe in speaking my mind, and expressing my true feelings, no matter what the consequences. I’ve firmly believed for a long time now that it’s my ” Right ” to express myself how I want to, and if someone has a ” problem ” with that it’s their ” problem “, not mine.
I kept the email very simple. Basically all I said is that ” I miss Him “. I added that I realize completely that it’s probably pointless to tell him that, but I felt a need to say it. I also made a point of mentioning that I know that He’s already replaced Me in His heart, but that He will always have a ” special ” place in my Heart.
Whether any of what I mentioned in the email touches Him, or not, really doesn’t matter. I don’t really care whether it does or not, because no matter what He may say I don’t feel that I’d ever be able to completely believe Him. Even if one day He decided to try to come ” crawling back ” to Me, that still wouldn’t matter. I wouldn’t take Him back even if He came ” crawling back ” to Me on His knees, literally !
Now… I understand that at this point you might be asking yourself, ” If she’s so determined to never take him back again, then why did she say she misses him in an email ? ” The answer to that is very simple.
Unlike him, I can’t simply switch OFF my heart like a light switch. After loving him for many years, I can’t suddenly shut down my heart. He flipped the ” switch ” on his heart, or at least converted the so-called love he always said he had for me, for this Other Woman now. I don’t understand how he did that. I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand it. The only thing I wonder is if he ever truly loved Me the way he had always claimed he did. That doesn’t matter now though, and I know it.
Where does this leave things ? It’s simple. I gave into the urge to email him because I decided to be ” true ” to who I am. I refused to let what he had done to me, change me. It doesn’t mean anything more than that, because I realize completely that nothing I can say will change that’s already happened.
One last note… I’ll be ” shocked ” if he ever replies to my email. But, like I said before I won’t be ” holding my breath ” waiting for a response.

About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Broken Dreams, Heart and Mind Battles, Mixed Feelings, Picking Up the Pieces, Restless Thoughts, Seeing Things Clearly Now, Telling it like it is and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s