Why do I torture myself over what’s gone and over now ?

Sometimes I truly don’t understand myself. I don’t understand why I would torture myself over something that’s gone, and completely over with now. Why should I care about it when it’s gone now ? Besides the decision for it to be ” over ” was out of my hands, just as now nothing I could ever do or say would ever change a thing. I know all of this, and yet I still torture myself. WHY ? I don’t enjoy the pain. I really don’t, no matter how it may seem. I want this pain to go away completely. I want to be completely numb to the entire situation. I want to be able to look at a picture of ” Him “, and especially a picture of ” Him and His NEW GF “, and not give a damn ! That’s what I yearn for, and hope will come to me very soon. It’s been just three weeks, but it’s felt like an eternity. I’ve been pushing myself to ” forget Him “, and move on. I have come a very long way towards that. I feel confident that I have. Then just when I’m feeling fine, and having an ” okay ” day, I go and succumb to my curious nature. You know that old saying ” curiosity killed the cat ” ? It’s true, but in my case the ” cat ” is Me. I can’t explain what drove me today to look at His Facebook page. I wish to GOD that I hadn’t, but unfortunately You can’t take back something You’ve already done. I pulled up His Facebook page, and found a couple of new pictures on it. One didn’t phase me at all, because it was just a stupid Halloween picture of Him in a mask. It was the other New picture that felt like He stabbed Me in the Heart all over again ! It was a picture of Him, His New Girlfriend, and His Best Friend, and of course They were all smiling big ” sweet ” smiles !
That picture not only hurt seeing it, but also cemented my thought that there’s just NO WAY that He hadn’t been ” seeing Her ” BEFORE He told Me that He only wanted to be ” JUST FRIENDS ” with Me ! I’m not blind, and I’m not stupid. I could see in the picture how Happy They seem Together. That sort of connection, and happiness, could not have just sprung up out of NOTHING in a 6 DAY period after the ” JUST FRIENDS ” phone call I had with Him ! There’s NO WAY !
Giving into my curiosity even more I looked at HER Facebook page a little, and saw that She has 2 little boys no older than maybe 5 or 6 years old. Apparently She used to be married back in 2011. There was no mention when She got a divorce, but I’m assuming She is divorced since She posted Her NEW ” In a Relationship ” status the SAME DAY that HE DID ! I guess He wants to be an ” instant Dad “, it seems. Either that, or He has some sort of twisted ” HERO ” complex that causes Him to seek out a woman that needs rescuing in a way. I’m saying that because I’m assuming that since this New GF of His is supposedly a ” Single Mom “, He must see Her as needing to be rescued !
Who knows though… at this point, as much as I feel He’s lied to Me, it could be that He’s not physically able to have kids. Following that line of thought, He sought out someone that already had kids so He’d have an ” instant family “. I had already told Him a long time ago that I didn’t see starting to have kids now at 45 years old, even though I know that some women have had kids at that age, and even older. He never said that my saying that truly matter to Him, but now I’m thinking that there was a LOT of things He never came out and talked to Me about… but should have.
He had said when We first started talking Years ago, that He didn’t like saying anything, or doing anything that could potentially cause an argument. I took that as simply meaning that He didn’t instigate arguments, and was an easy going – easy to get along with – type of person. It had never occurred to Me that He actually takes it to a much deeper level. He apparently has a bad habit of holding back on talking about things that He truly should, solely because He’s ” afraid ” that it’ll cause a disagreement, or argument of some sort. When I stop and think about that personality trait, it’s really something that I don’t think I could have lived with successfully. How could anyone live with Someone that’s constantly ” walking on eggshells ” with You ? You might not notice it at first, in the beginning of the time You share with Them, but eventually it would become painfully clear. His New Girlfriend may truly believe that She’s happy now, but with ” HIS ” personality defects that won’t last forever. Cold of Me to talk like that ? Nah… I don’t think so. I’m only being realistic.
Plus if He really thinks that He’s got it GREAT with a single Mom, and becoming an ” INSTANT DAD ” because of Her, then He’s got another thing coming ! I don’t think He truly has a clue as to what He’s stepping into. But of course it’s up to Him to discover this. I can’t tell Him, even IF I was still talking to Him, which I’m NOT !
IF the Day EVER comes – and NO, I’m NOT holding my breath waiting for it to come, either – when He ends up breaking up with His ” MS. Perfect Single Mom “. I Hope that He TRIES to come crawling back to Me ! I’m only saying that because IF that day ever came, I would LAUGH SO MUCH at Him, and TELL HIM TO GO TO HELL ! I’d tell Him that there would be NO WAY ON EARTH that I would EVER EVER take Him back ! NO WAY ! I would NEVER take Him Back no matter how much He possibly BEGGED for Me to, because of how much He HURT ME !
Will this PAIN continue to FADE ?! I sure as heck hope so, because even though it’s only been 3 weeks I’m already sick and tired of feeling this way !

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Broken Dreams, Despair, Heart Break, Picking Up the Pieces, Shattered Heart, Sorrow and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Why do I torture myself over what’s gone and over now ?

  1. aprileb says:

    Oh wow, I feel your pain. I’m 13 weeks in, and I still cry every day. 3 weeks is really early. You’re going to look back and be amazed at how well you were doing at the 3 week mark, you really will. Checking his FB? It hurts. It can only ever hurt. But nearly everyone does it. Just be kind to yourself and look after yourself. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s the absolute worst thing in the world.

    • Thank you very much for Your kind comment. I suppose You’re right about 3 weeks still being pretty early yet. I’m trying my best like You mentioned to be kind, and look after myself. It’s not too easy when You feel like crawling into a dark hole. But I’m trying. Just to distract myself I’ve explored the ” circus ” that is the dating web site world. OMG ! It’s like visiting the Zoo ! LOL ! It’s just full of wild animals, and absolutely crazy NUTS ! There’s NO WAY in hell I’d ever get actually involved with ANY of those NUTS, but it’s still good for a slight distraction to my current heart break pain.

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