Wishing for One More Conversation… ” sort of “…

During that very last phone conversation I had with ” Him “, my former Maine Sweetheart, the last words I uttered I could barely speak because of the tears flowing so freely that were choking Me up completely. This is the reason I’ve been having a ” passing thought ” lately. I’ve been wishing in a way, that I could speak to Him just one more time. If I had that chance there’s a lot that I’d want to say to Him. I realize completely that it wouldn’t change His decision of telling Me that He wants to be ” JUST FRIENDS ” with Me, but it would give Me a much better sense of closure. At least if I had that chance to talk to Him one more time while I’m not overwhelmed by sorrow, I could tell Him very frankly and bluntly exactly what I truly thought of His decision, and what it did to Me.
I had tried during that phone conversation to convey my complete shock and disbelief about what He was doing, but I doubt I made myself very clear. How can You speak clearly when You’re choking on a river of tears that are flowing down Your face ? The only catch to possibly talking to Him one more time that I can see would be that I’m almost positive that He would be extremely defensive, and with every comment I made He would be spewing out one excuse after another for what He did ! I don’t know if I could handle hearing anything like that again, since He did enough of it during that fated phone call. If He did that to Me yet again when I’m trying to let out all of my frustrations and pain about His decision, then I believe it would only cause Me to completely blow up at Him with complete and thorough RAGE ! Screaming and/or yelling at Him on the phone would be as pointless as my river of tears were that night. Plus, if I was at a point where I couldn’t help but yell and scream at Him, then I doubt that I would be able to accomplish what I would have originally hoped for that phone conversation.
Bottom line to this is that I’m sure I WON’T have ONE MORE phone conversation with Him, and that’s probably for the best. I suppose this means that I’ll have to make my own sense of ” closure ” to all of this, and somehow continue to move on. I wish there was a ” cleanser ” for the mind. I would LOVE to scrub out ALL thoughts of Him, so they wouldn’t plague Me at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. Lately every time I try to lay down to go to sleep, my thoughts turn to Him, and what I would love to say to Him. No, to clarify I would not be begging Him to take Me back ! NOT AT ALL !Oh Hell NO ! Instead I lay at night imaging how I would tell Him off on the phone, and ask Him how He thought He had ” the right ” to hurt Me the way that He did ?! What the hell gave Him the idea that it was ‘ okay ‘ to Hurt Me that way ?! Plus even though I know it would be incredibly spiteful, I would LOVE to tell Him that I HOPE that ONE DAY someone hurts Him the way that He has hurt Me ! Would that help anything at this point ? No, not really.. but at least it would get that thought off my chest.
Forgive Me, I know I’m rambling on a bit much right now. I can’t help it at this time since my thoughts are so scattered, and torn at the same time. I can’t tell You how many times I’ve considered picking up the phone to call Him. But don’t worry, I’m NOT going to do it. Doing that would only serve to be completely degrading and insulting to myself. I’ve been through enough without doing that to myself.
I’ve been trying to stay as busy as possibly lately in hopes that it will help towards straightening out my thoughts. Has it helped at all ? I’m not completely sure yet. I suppose to a certain extent it’s helped since I haven’t cried since the night of the phone call two weeks ago. Yet still that doesn’t mean that I’ve been ” happy ” either. For Me since I don’t work I think it makes it even harder for Me to deal with this, because I don’t have many things to stay busy with.
To close this… I know that somehow I’ll survive, and eventually I’ll completely move on. I survived filing for divorce after being married for 10 years – with Him for 13 years, so I’m sure I’ll survive this. It’ll just take Time the way getting over my divorce did. I’ve been divorced since February of 2000. That’s just a distant nightmare now that I had once.

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Broken Dreams, Heart Break, Picking Up the Pieces, Unanswered Questions and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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