I want to clarify something right away. I’m doing this exclusively for myself. I’m not doing it to solicit advice or sympathy from anyone, and I’m not doing it in hopes that ” He ” will one day see it. If He happens to stumble across this post one day, the only thing I would hope that it does is to clarify exactly what His actions did to Me. What would I hope from that clarification ? It’s simple. I would hope that He would carry the knowledge with Him always so He never does the same thing to anyone else. With all of this said, I’ll start this.
Sweetheart… ( actually now My Former ” Sweetheart ” ),
I decided to make an attempt to clear up a few things with You, after what You did to Me this past Saturday night.
For over 7 years I had Loved You completely. I gave You my heart, and my soul without hesitation. You never gave Me any clear reason to believe I shouldn’t do this. In fact, You constantly declared Your undying Love to Me nearly every single time We spoke on the phone; as well as saying ” I Love You, ” usually more than once during each conversation. How was I supposed to see from this that You didn’t see a Future together for Us ?! Was I supposed to be psychic ?! According to You, there were several times You tried to encourage Me to find someone that lived much closer to Me. I’ll tell You right now, You either NEVER said such a thing, or You definitely didn’t say it emphatically enough to truly get Your point across. If anything, I’m positive that You must have made it seem like You were only being slightly nervous about finally finding the Love You had wanted all of Your life !
Now after over 7 years, many promises to arrange the meeting I had wanted for a very long time, and recently saying You would ” do Your best to make that Meeting happen This December… Suddenly You declare that We will NEVER have a Future Together, and You want to be ” Just Friends ” ! ” JUST FRIENDS ” !, after over 7 years of being passionately in Love ?! HOW do You Truly think that’s possible ? Tell Me please WHY would I want to be ” JUST FRIENDS ” now when for so very long You gave Me no clear reason to believe that We didn’t have something much deeper, and more meaningful than just Friendship ?!
Yes, I know I have a Million and One questions. But guess what ?! I don’t give a DAMN if all of these questions bother You, because in my opinion right now You have NO RIGHTS after hurting Me the way You did !
Going back to what I was saying about Your supposedly ” Kind “.. hahaha, Yeah Right !… suggestion that We can be ” JUST FRIENDS ” now ! I don’t see that EVER truly happening ! There’s one clear reason that could NEVER happen. It’s because every time I talk to You from now on it will ALWAYS be a reminder of what I once thought I had with You ! Talking to You will only serve to spark again the devastation, and heart break that You caused Me by ripping my heart out of my chest while stomping on all of my dreams ! Besides, God forbid if one day during a ” Friendly ” conversation We’re having You decide to share with Me that You have a NEW Girlfriend now ! That would be the nail on my coffin for sure ! The emotional explosion resulting from that news would be akin to a nuclear disaster ! I’m sure that You wouldn’t want that, and I know that I wouldn’t.
I don’t understand You. I’m not even sure right now if I’ll ever understand You, or what You were truly thinking when You shattered my heart. Yes, I do understand that You had Your reason. You stated what that was while I was crying my eyes out, and seeing all of my dreams crushed to a million pieces. I could give You Your ” reason “, and even understand it to a degree, if it wasn’t for one thing. That thing was the way You reacted when I attempted during that phone conversation to ask You a very simple question. ” So are You saying that You’re completely giving up on the possibility of Us EVER being Together later on in the Future ?! ” Your reaction was so abrupt, and cold, that it felt like You were shoving a knife deep into my chest, and turning it a few times to make sure it wouldn’t come out !
You said that You ” couldn’t even THINK about the Future right now, and that You can’t think that far ahead ! ” WHY ? Tell Me what the HELL is wrong with looking towards the Future, and having DREAMS ?! According to Your attitude it’s WRONG to do this ! According to Your reaction to my question, I’m also WRONG for evening hoping for a ” possibility ” of Us EVER being Together ! Could You have been any colder ?! NO, I don’t think so !
Still… even AFTER You said ALL of that, You still insisted that We can have a ” Friendship “, but of course You made sure to point out that it would be ONLY THAT… ” JUST A FRIENDSHIP ” !
Your cold attitude with Me on the phone that night made it seem like I had done something TERRIBLY WRONG and UNJUST to You ! WHAT THE HELL did I ever do to YOU ?! ALL I ever did was HOPE ! Was that really such a terrible thing to do ? According to You, it appears it was a very bad thing for Me to EVER do !
I wonder… As a child did You enjoy using a magnifying glass to torture ants in the summer sun ? I’m thinking that must have been one of Your favorite past times. Plus maybe You also enjoyed pulling the wings off of flies You managed to catch ?
I was the ONE that stopped other kids from doing things like that. I tried to save the defenseless from being tortured. You wouldn’t know what that’s all about, I think.
Among several things about the heart breaking phone conversation We had last Saturday night, one thing sticks out from it very much ! That part was where while I was falling apart, and crying hysterically, You felt that was the ” right time ” to start suggesting to Me that I try various online dating sites to find someone much closer to Me ! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING ?! I had just learned a few moments earlier from You that You didn’t want a Future with Me, and You thought I’d WANT to hear that I should begin searching online dating sites right away !
That was beyond COLD of You to say to Me then ! It hurt so much to hear those words start to come out of Your mouth, that I immediately started telling You… ” Please STOP ! PLEASE ! Don’t tell Me that ! I know that You THINK You’re being helpful, but DON’T ! JUST STOP ! ”
What’s so laughable in a sick way, was that even when I said ALL of that, then You said it at least ONCE AGAIN ! I was forced to say while still crying hysterically, ” WHY would I want to hear this from You, when ALL I’ve EVER wanted was YOU ! I don’t want to ‘ LOOK ‘ for anyone else, because YOU are the ONLY ONE that I want ! ” I don’t think I would have broken down and said all of that if You had just STOPPED suggesting that I try online dating sites !
Well.. guess What ! LMAO ! It’s been close to 5 days since that phone conversation, and since then I HAVE tried online dating sites ! HAHAHA ! At first I wasn’t doing it to specifically find someone. My key reason for doing it was simply to try to get my thoughts off of You ! I’m here to tell You, IT WORKED ! I haven’t been thinking of You much at all. In fact, even though it’s only been a few days since I started doing this, already I’ve had a small amount of success. If I could I’d LOVE to rub this FACT in Your face, and ask You… ” Do You TRULY like the Fact that I could potentially find Another Man that will willingly, and joyfully, wrap His arms around Me… want to Kiss Me passionately.. and want NOTHING MORE than to be WITH ME every moment that He can ?! ” Does this really make You HAPPY !?! Are You HAPPY picturing Me in the Loving Arms of ANOTHER MAN ?! A big part of Me wishes I could ask You all of those things, but I realize how completely pointless that would be. Besides, knowing how You could possibly act it would most likely end up completely backfiring on Me if I did. You could easily tell Me, ” YES, I am Very Happy for You ! “, or something like that, even though it may or may not be the complete truth. I would have no real way of knowing if You’re lying to Me. This would be especially true, since apparently You’re VERY GOOD at LIES !
In closing… Just like the Way You told Me that We will NEVER have a Future Together. I don’t see Us EVER truly being ” Friends ” ! I can’t, and I won’t be degraded that Way when You dangled supposed ” True Love ” in front of Me for YEARS !
Have a GREAT LIFE… even though it definitely won’t be with Me !