Moved somehow from Sorrow to Numbness….

I’m wondering… ” Is it a good sign to feel numb after having Your heart broken ? ” I’m thinking that perhaps that’s a normal sign that You’re slowly beginning to move on. I suppose that’s got to be what it means.
I cried my eyes out that night that I got the fated ” phone call ” from Him where He spoke the words that crushed Me, and shattered my heart. I could barely get through 10 minutes at a time that night without tears flowing down my face like a river. That next day even though the pain was still very present, I was determined to not cry one more tear. I didn’t cry even one single tear, but I was filled with sadness for the entire day and evening. Once that day passed, and I found myself waking up to another new day, I was surprised to find that the pain in my chest had lessened quite a bit. After only one additional day had passed the heart break pain that I thought would never leave Me had now transformed into a strange sense of numbness. This was Yesterday – Monday October 14th – that I’m speaking about. If I had to describe how I felt Yesterday it would be very hard to put it into words. I wasn’t sorrowful, or enraged – even though I feel I’d be entirely justified to be enraged. I was floating in a strange limbo between sorrow and rage, neither one or the other. I felt nothing.
Is numbness better than feeling a sorrow that feels like a sea that You’re drowning in ?! YES ! I’d pick numbness any day of the week ! Besides, even though I don’t know the ” psychological ” stages of grief, I have a definite gut feeling that numbness would be one of those stages.
With all of this in mind, what’s odd is that even though Today – Tuesday October 15th – I’m again feeling a complete sense of ” numbness “, I have a different feeling that’s slowly seeping into my soul as well.
What am I talking about ? REVENGE… pure and simple !
But before anyone that reads this gets an urge to give Me some Unsolicited advice telling Me to NOT attempt any form of Revenge, I’m really NOT going to do anything of the sort. I know that doing that would be extremely childish, and extremely pointless as well. It would only serve to make Me look stupid, and it wouldn’t change the situation at all in the end. So, NO I won’t do it. Does that fact stop Me from having thoughts about it ? NOPE ! hahaha ! I’ve had some very ” sweet ” thoughts of what I could do to get back at ” HIM ” ! Of course the question would be… ” Would it even TRULY bother Him ? “. Knowing what I learned over the 7 years that I knew Him, I’d have to frustratingly admit it would be.. ” NO, not at all ! ” If anything if I committed any form of Revenge against Him all it would do would be maybe make Him pity Me to a small degree. That’s the very LAST thing that I would want ! I don’t want, or need His pity ! Not at all !
The form of Revenge that I was thinking about would be to somehow show Him how I’ve already potentially found His ” replacement ” ! Plus, I’d rub it in His face that His ” replacement ” is much MORE of a Better MAN that He was, or EVER will be ! The awkward, and extremely frustrating catch to doing this would be that it probably wouldn’t upset Him at all ! UGH ! The reason I say that is because during His phone call on Saturday night He had the NERVE to actually start to suggest that I try various online dating sites to find a potential boyfriend that lives much closer to Me ! I couldn’t believe that He did that ! I was crying hysterically in His ear on the phone, and He starts suggesting ways for Me to find His ” replacement ” even BEFORE We had even hung up the damn phone ! What a JERK ! What the HELL was He thinking ?! I told Him right away when He did that… ” Please STOP ! I don’t want to hear any of that right now ! STOP ! I know that You THINK You’re being ‘ helpful ‘, but DON’T ! ” He stopped thankfully, and a moment later We ended the conversation. As soon as I hung up the phone the tears started flowing ! I cried so much that night my eyes were completely bloodshot, and puffy ! After one full night of that, I was thankful that it didn’t happen again the next night – Sunday October 13th. I don’t think my eyes could have handled it anyway.
Where does all of this leave Me ? Well… I’m still trying to figure that out. Today I don’t feel like any tears will flow again, and I’m thankful for that. Am I not hurting anymore over the heart break He caused ? Not as much possibly, but somewhat. A big part of Me almost wishes that I could talk to Him… and YELL AND SCREAM at Him for hurting Me the way that He did ! I won’t though, because I understand completely how pointless that would be. Instead, I did the next best thing and deleted the pictures I had of Him on my computer. IF I ever want to see His picture again I can always bring up His Facebook page, but at least now I don’t have to see His picture EVERY TIME I bring up the file folders in my computer ! That would be frustrating, and painful !
Meanwhile… while Each Day so far seems to be bringing Me more and more healing for this shattered heart of mine, I’m trying hard to look at this entire situation in a ” different light “. If I’m truthful about ” HIM “, there were a few small things about Him that I wasn’t sure how it would work out whenever We finally met in person. I wondered if those few small things would cause inevitable conflict between Him and I. Thinking about it now, I’d bet that they would. Besides that, IF He had ever moved down Here from Maine, there was a strong chance that He might have ended up ” bitter and resentful ” to Me for having Him leave the state He had lived in ALL of His life. You could ask… Well, What about YOU moving up to Him ? I had thought about that a small handful of times, but when I was completely honest with myself there was really no logical way that would have worked out. There were too many obstacles in the way for it to have ever succeeded.
It’s not easy for Me to admit this… even just on here, much less to admit it in my own mind… but I guess I was WRONG that He and I were ” meant to be Together “. Many times I had sworn to Myself and to Him that We ” were meant to be Together “, but looking at it now in the clear light of day I can see that I was completely mistaken.
Even though there won’t be an easy, or quick path to happiness, I will get there eventually once again.

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Dreams, Life Choices, Relationships, Shattered Heart, Swirling Thoughts and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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