Trying… Trying to Keep it Together.. It’s just so Damn Hard ! ….

I’m trying hard to keep myself together. I feel like I’m a jigsaw puzzle that can fall apart any moment ! I’m just sitting here hoping that no one tries to pick Me up, for when they do I’ll surely fall to pieces. I’m not held together by much at all right now. Granted, at the very least I haven’t cried since Saturday night… the night that ” He ” called. Last night my heart ached still, but I refused to let the tears start flowing again. I didn’t want another flood of tears like Saturday night. My eyes were redder than a crimson lipstick after crying for most of the Saturday night. One night of that was more than enough ! Besides, I’m not completely sure if He truly deserves any more tears than that from Me. I feel deceived, and betrayed. I feel like He tricked Me for years. For many Years He could have spoken up, and told Me frankly that He didn’t truly see what We had as ” lasting “. But NO ! He decided to stay silent, and even worse than that silence He decided to continually express his supposed ” LOVE ” for Me ! Every time We spoke on the phone He always made some sort of expression of His deep loving feelings for Me. Every single Damn Time We spoke ! WHY ?! Why do that EVERY TIME when I’m thinking that He always realized that He would NEVER leave Maine ! He always knew that He would NEVER make any real effort to be with Me ! Still even though He always knew this, He CHOSE to continually express His ” LOVE ” for ME ! I feel that I have every right to feel betrayed, and deceived right now.
As if there isn’t enough weighing on my Heart and Mind, there’s one more thing that upsets Me to a great degree.
HOW can He feel truly ” in the Right ” to tell Me that He would still want to be Friends… that We could still be ” Friends ” !? FRIENDS ? Where does the supposed ” FRIENDSHIP ” lie when He accepted my LOVE for so long, and then suddenly decided to throw it away while ripping my Heart from my chest !?! I don’t see the basis for a ” Friendship ” after such a deep seated, and complete betrayal.
Even though I have no doubt that a large part of my Heart still Loves Him, and most likely always will. Still, I can’t imagine trying to have a ” Friendly ” conversation with Him now ! I would be literally biting back the words I’d want to say to Him. I guarantee You that those words would NOT be ” Friendly ” ! NOT AT ALL !
I feel as if He not only ripped my Heart OUT, but when He ripped it OUT He tore it into a million pieces to make it as if it NEVER existed ! I say that because right now thinking about all of this I feel as if I have a large HOLE in my chest; a definite feeling of a dark VOID there where my heart used to be !
All of this is upsetting enough, yet I have to add one aspect. After going through all of this with Him, I feel that I’m going to doubting my feelings for anyone else for a very long time. I won’t be sure or confident of my own feelings, because in the back of my mind I’ll be afraid that at some point the One that’s professing His Love to Me will turn on Me the way ” This One ” did ! This feels all too similar to Me. It’s very similar to the way I felt right after my divorce back in 2000. For a very long time my entire opinion of ALL MEN was completely twisted, and distorted. Plus I didn’t feel like I could trust ANY MAN, no matter how ” Nice ” they seemed to be. ALL MEN were the ” Enemy ” for a long time after my divorce. I’m not sure if I’ll see all Men as the ” Enemy ” now, but at the very least I will definitely be extremely – ( more or less overly ) – cautious to let any Man into my Heart again for a very long time.
I hated the sorrow and despair I went through after my divorce back in 2000, and I hate this darkness that is flooding my spirit now from this situation. I’m not anxious to end up repeating this misery any time soon.
So I’m trying with every ounce of strength I have left – which isn’t much because of the misery that’s invaded Me – to keep myself together. When I concentrate just barely enough, I can manage to push out the misery, but in it’s place flows in a ” numbness ” that’s not much better. What’s better ? Being swamped with misery ? Or being so Numb You feel like You have a ” Dark Void ” in Your chest instead of the Heart that You used to have there ?!

About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
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