Can’t Take This….

I can’t handle this. I’ve barely stopped crying all night long. I keep trying to stay busy to keep my mind off of the ” phone call ” that’s supposed to happen tomorrow. This is the one that’s supposed to be about what He said in the email…where He said, ” there’s some things I want to talk about, that maybe I can shed some light on tomorrow “.
What the heck is that supposed to mean ?!
He must have known that sending Me an email like that so early ( 3:30 pm est ) in the afternoon yesterday – Friday, would drive Me crazy for the entire day, and into Saturday until He finally calls Me ! Of course I realize the frustrating fact is that this depends on IF He actually calls Me Saturday the way He claimed in the email that He will !
Where does all of this leave Me ? Climbing the walls with a terrible whirlwind mix of frustration, fear, heart break, and confusion ! That’s where I am right now. I’m wondering how on earth I’m supposed to sleep at all tonight when I can’t stop thinking about this. I highly doubt that I’ll think of ANYTHING ELSE until I get a phone call from Him tomorrow – Saturday October 12th.
This is from the One that has said many times that He supposedly ” Loves Me ” ! What kind of LOVE is this when You treat a person with such cold disregard ?! Doesn’t seem like real Love to Me. I hate to admit that, because that would mean that I’ve been a naive fool all along.
I hope that my fears prove unfounded when I do hear from Him. I hope and pray that it’s NOT ” bad news ” that He needs to ” shed light on “, as He put it ! The catch is that all of my gut instincts tell Me that it’s going to be ” bad news ” ! My instincts are rarely wrong about something like this, I hate to say.
I feel like I’m falling apart right now, and I don’t know how to put myself back together. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to tell Myself that if it’s ” bad news ” that I’ll handle it. But right now I feel like that will prove to be a huge lie !
Hope it turns out is a dangerous thing. I say that because I’ve had Hope for a long time with Him. I’ve had Hope that He’s the ” Love ” that I’ve always wanted in my Life. I truly thought that He seemed like my ” Soul Mate “, as stupid as that sounds now ! How foolish, and naive I’ve been ! I should never have hoped for something like that. I should have never put ANY expectations on whatever it is that I’ve had with Him all of this time. I was wrong to ever expect anything from Him. That’s how it seems to be now. I wonder now if I’ve ever truly known Him during these many years that I’ve supposedly ” known Him “. I thought I knew who He was, and what He was truly about. I thought I knew His character, and I believed that He was always sincere with Me. Now all of that feels like it’s crumbling apart around Me ! It’s like a ” house ” that I’ve built that’s suddenly being torn down… with Me in it !.. and there’s not a Damn Thing I can do to stop it !


About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Despair, Doubts, Dreams, Fears, Sorrow and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s