Afraid to get what I want ?….

My thoughts have been so mixed up, and frazzled lately, that even writing in here isn’t as easy as it usually is for Me. I’ve felt like I’m coming unglued lately, and I’m struggling to find a way to put myself back together again.
The key reason for this I feel is that I’m finally getting close to getting what I’ve wanted for a very long time. What is that ? It’s simple. I’ve wanted to be face to face with my Maine Sweetheart. I’ve wanted for a very long time to be able to look Him in the eyes to tell Him how much I love Him. Also simply to be able to touch Him, and kiss Him, I feel will make my heart and soul leap for joy.
For far too long many things have gotten in our way, as far as finally meeting in person. Life has thrown one stumbling block after another, and up until now they’ve always been too much for either of us to overcome.
You would believe that after waiting for so long for the day to finally be approaching, that I’d be ecstatic about it. That’s partially true. Try as I may I can’t ignore numerous nagging feelings of doubt and nervousness. With each passing day, it’s as if there are many voices in my mind telling me things like.. ” This isn’t going to work out for You. It’s never worked out before, so why should it work out now ? ” Also something like this has been plaguing my thoughts; ” There’s no way He’s actually as wonderful as He’s seemed to be all of this time. There’s got to be a ‘ catch ‘ to Him. ”
Why would my thoughts betray Me like this, and try to sabotage my happiness ?! I’ve got to figure this out, and get a grip on it before I end up ruining my chances of happiness with ” Him “. I don’t want to end up pushing Him away because of my unsubstantiated doubts. He doesn’t deserve that from Me, or from anyone.
I’ve been wondering if I’m nervous and scared of the possibility of real happiness approaching Me, because for so much of my life I haven’t had that with anyone. Sure I’ve been close many times, but it’s always fallen far short of what it should have been. Also I’ve been full of hope for real happiness more times than I can count, but also no matter how hard I kept hoping, and sacrificing, nothing helped. Yet again after yearning and hoping for so long, happiness always eluded my grasp.
Maybe my doubts now are born of the fact that I’m a ” rookie ” as far as being truly happy. Could that be it ? I’m thinking that’s got to be part of it. After all, as a human being the ” unknown ” is always frightening to a certain degree. I believe that’s true for everyone, no matter how much some people may deny it.
As scary as it is for Me, I’ve got to stop putting up barriers, and walls, that could potentially ruin my chance for true happiness. While yes it’s wise to question things to an extent, I don’t want to ” over question ” everything so much that I end up destroying what could possibly be what I’ve wanted for so long.
What’s frustrating, and slightly ironic right now is that even as I’m typing this I’m sitting here waiting, and hoping for Him to call. I’m wondering why He hasn’t called Me yet, since typically by this time of day He would have already called Me. There I go again with the ” doubts and nervousness ” ! I suppose the million dollar question is… ” Are my doubts and nervousness justified, or simply born from a fear of the unknown ? ”
All I know for sure is that I hope that I find the answers I need before I end up tearing apart everything I’ve wanted for a very long time.


About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Desires, Doubts, Dreams, Fears, Heart and Mind Battles, Hope, Long Distance Relationship, Relationships, Swirling Thoughts and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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