Wonder….

Sometimes I can’t help wonder if I Bore my ” Maine Sweetheart ” when We’re Talking on the Phone. The reason why I say that is because during some of Our Conversations I get the undeniable feeling that He’d rather be anywhere else except on the phone with Me. WHY do I sense this ? I’m not really sure. I’m wondering if it’s only because of my pervasive lack of self-confidence that I know still plagues Me from time to time, or if it’s truly that He doesn’t feel as strongly about Me as I do about Him. But I have to digress. The second half of that one statement about His feelings I’m wondering if I’m only assuming that because of Fear… Fear that He is ” Too Good to Be True “, and Fear that the Happiness He’s brought to My Life will Prove to be False – and thus Only a Wonderful Fantasy of Mine. Deep down I know I shouldn’t have these Fears, and Doubts, since I know that I deserve True Happiness as much as Anyone. Perhaps it’s because of Everything I went through, and put up with, because of My Ex-Bf. I put up with far too much when I was with Him. Possibly because of doing that for so long, it’s caused Me to wonder IF I truly deserve Real Happiness and True Love. After all, for far too long I not only accepted, but also forgave, behavior that most people wouldn’t even give a second thought to allowing into Their Lives. I did that in the ” Name of Love “, and yet I wonder if it ever Truly was Love. Instead it may have been more of a Fear of being Alone. I fooled Myself for too long into thinking that it was Better to ” Accept ” My Ex-bf’s Behavior, than to end up Alone. Ironically because of the very Behavior I’m mentioning, He fell into a cruel pattern of Leaving Me Every Time He saw that We were having Problems. Instead of Staying, and Trying to work out Our Problems in a ” Positive Way “, He consistently chose to Look for ” Greener Pastures “. Since I was still very much stuck in the destructive rut of believing that NOTHING would be Worse than being Alone; Every Time He BEGGED ME to Take Him Back YET AGAIN, I did.
I wonder IF all of that could possibly be WHY I may feel that I don’t deserve Someone as Wonderful as my ” Maine Sweetheart “. Plus as well as that, perhaps it’s also WHY I wonder from Time to Time whether He is ” Too Good to Be True “, or not.
One Thing I realize that I need to consider is this. Part of Faith, and Believing in God and His Mercy, is Believing that God does bestow ” Good Things ” on His Faithful.
From the Very First Moment I met my ” Maine Sweetheart ” online, and that Very First Phone Conversation, I felt that He was a Blessing Sent From Heaven Above. I felt that deep in my Heart, and my Soul. I was as sure of that as I am of my own Name. As well as that very clear, and distinctive feeling, I felt that I had known Him for Many Years even though We were only JUST Meeting at that moment. It was almost as IF We had known Each Other in ” Other Lives “. As if We had been Soul Mates – and Lovers – in ” Other Lives “. Don’t misunderstand Me, I’m not an advocate for Reincarnation. But, I’ve always had an open mind about many things. I believe that there are many things We don’t fully know about about, or understand. The Feeling that I had known my ” Maine Sweetheart ” for Many Years was undeniable. It was, and still is a Wonderful Feeling.
Does all of this mean that I’m Answering My Own Concerns, and Fears ? Am I actually reassuring Myself that I have No Reason to be Afraid, and Doubt my ” Maine Sweetheart’s ” Feelings for Me ? I Wonder.

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Dreams, Hope, Long Distance Relationship, Relationships, True Love and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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