Conflicted Feelings….

Granted I entitled this entry ” Conflicted Feelings “, but I’m not completely sure Why I’m conflicted. Perhaps ‘ conflicted ‘ is too strong a Word for what I feel. I just don’t know. The Issue is One that’s been going on for Years now. You would think that I would have completely resolved it by now. I’ve found throughout the Years that matters of the Heart aren’t always that simple.
I have a ‘ History ‘ with my Ex-bf that’s hard to forget, and just shove aside. I realize that most people tell You that it’s better to leave the Past in the Past, but how do You do that when Your Heart still has Feelings for that Person ? Love isn’t always Easy to leave in the Past, even IF it may be better for Us to do just that.
The Conflicted Part begins when a Newer Love begins, even though the Love of the ‘ Past ‘ is still very much there in Your Heart. The Million Dollar Question is, ” How do I Choose ? ” Is NEW Always Better ? Or is it Better to hang onto Something You’re already familiar with ?
Maybe I’m simply afraid of choosing the ‘ Newer Love ‘ because of a Fear of the Unknown. After all, How do I Truly Know IF Him and I – ( Myself and my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘ that is ) – will really Work Out ? We get along just Fine on the Phone. But isn’t it Much Easier to interact with Someone on the Phone rather than Face to Face ? Once You’re in Person You’re forced to look the Other Person in the Eyes when You’re Talking to Them, and with that You’ll see Their Honest and Very Real Reactions to what You’re saying to Them. On the Phone You don’t have that type of very open and real reaction. On the Phone wouldn’t it be VERY EASY to Pretend certain Emotions ? This is Something I’ve thought over many times. I realize that this is Something that I have to consider despite any gut reactions I may have about my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘. I believe He’s been Honest with Me about His Feelings for Me. Yet How can I completely know that’s the Whole Truth until I’m Face to Face with Him ? As much as I don’t want to think that He’s been ‘ pretending ‘ with Me, it’s a possible reality that I know I have to admit to Myself. It’s a Reality I try to pretend doesn’t exist, but every once in awhile – like during quiet moments of reflections like this – I start considering it. One Thing that I feel helps to stir this consideration is when it’s been 2 to 3 days since I’ve heard from my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘, without even as much as an E-mail message. You would think that if He truly Loved Me as much as He’s professed that He does, that He would stop for a few moments to write me a brief e-mail message. How difficult would that be ? For Him, apparently it’s too much to ask for. So Here I am… taking my ‘ Rose-Colored Glasses ‘ OFF at least for awhile, to consider all of the possibilities. If my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘ truly knew that I felt this Way when I hadn’t heard from Him for a few days, I wonder if He would still give me this Silent Treatment. I call it Silent Treatment since that’s what it feels like, even though I haven’t had any sort of argument with Him. Typically You would imagine that the Silent Treatment would only be applied when an argument had occurred. At least that is how I’ve always thought it was supposed to play out.
Where does this Leave Me… My Ex-Bf… and My ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘ ? I’m not really sure.
I’ve been in contact with my Ex-bf – writing E-mails, and Snail Mail Letters, to Him. He does the same Back to Me in reply. In my Letters to my Ex-bf I’ve tried to not lead Him on, but it’s difficult sometimes. Many times I’ve found that I can’t help writing to Him that I do still Love Him Very Much. I realize that saying that to Him can definitely be construed as ‘ leading Him on ‘. It’s not meant that way, but I know that doesn’t stop how He probably interprets it. Simply going by the things He’s said to Me in his many E-mails, and Letters, I can tell that He wants Very Much to get Back Together. Do I want That ? I wish to God that I knew. I’ve explained to Him my Many Fears about taking Him back. I’ve told Him that I would be afraid that the Past Troubles We had would end up happening all over again. He’s got to know how much I can NOT have that happen ! He must know that. He’s said that He understands my fears, but that IF Him and I did get Back Together that I would HAVE TO leave the PAST in the PAST, and allow US to have a Fresh New Start. Is that Really Possible when so Many Memories haunt a Person’s Thoughts ? I wonder IF it’s truly possible to let go of ALL of those Old Memories ? I suppose that regardless of whether or not I end up getting back Together with My Ex-bf, I still should let go of those Old Memories… if Only for my own complete peace of mind, so I can truly move on. After all, if I really stop and think about it, How can You move on to New Things IF Your Thoughts are still clouded with a lot of Old Memories ? Shouldn’t You let go of Them in exchange for New Things ? For a New Future ? That seems to make sense even as I read my own words on my computer screen. It’s funny how Writing has always helped me to release thoughts that might have been trapped deep in my mind otherwise. But when I start Writing everything seems to fall into place. My Fingers do my Thinking for Me, IF that makes any sense at all ? LOL ! To Fellow Writers, I’m sure that it will.
Back to the Topic at hand… sorry for the rambling bit…
Have I solved Anything in this Entry ? Nope, probably not. But at least I’ve raised a Lot of Questions that I know I need to consider in order to come to any sort of solution to my Conflicted Feelings.
In the meantime… I can’t bring myself to Stop writing to my Ex-bf because I do Love Him Very Much still. I can’t deny that. I’ve be lying to Myself if I tried to. Does this Mean that I’ll Stop Talking to my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘ on the Phone ? No, I can’t do That either, because I Love Him Very Much also. He means a Lot to Me, and I would Never want to Hurt Him. So I can’t turn away my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘. Supposedly He’s going to come down Here to Meet Me in Person as soon as He can save up enough Money for the Trip. But at this rate, I can’t help wondering When – or even IF – it will ever happen. I haven’t told Him my doubts. There wouldn’t be any point in me sharing that. He knows that I’ve been trying hard to be patient. Yet, the catch is that Patience has Never been One of My Virtues. I’ve admitted this to my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘. I still promised Him that I would do my Best to not ‘ bug Him ‘ about When He’s planning on coming down Here. It hasn’t been Easy for Me as You can imagine. I’m hoping that it won’t have to go on too much longer.
One quick side note – so to speak… ” How can Someone NOT CALL, or Even E-mail You, for a Few Days when You’ve ALREADY Told Them several times before how Much that Bothers You ?! ? WHY would They STILL do That ? I Wish I knew exactly WHAT my ‘ Maine Sweetheart ‘ is Thinking when He does That !

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About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
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