Torn….. But Why ????…. I Wish I Knew…

Lately I’ve been feeling very Mixed as far as my Feelings about 2 People that have been an integral part of my Life for a Very Long Time. One is my Ex-Bf that I have a Very ” Mixed ” Past with – and that’s putting it Very Mildly. The Other is my ” Maine Sweetheart ” that I’ve known now for Over 6 Years, but Still haven’t Met in Person Yet. Life simply kept getting in the Way, as well as My Involvement with my Now Ex-Bf too. Besides My Ex-Bf He had a Live-In Girlfriend for about 2 – 3 years of that Time. That Fact has made Me question His True Feelings for Me more than once. He’s tried to explain to Me during many different conversations that His ” Relationship ” with that Woman was Not Good at all, and that He was Not Happy with Her. But even knowing That doesn’t eliminate the Fact that He Was With Her; and with Her for a Long Time. Lately My ” Maine Sweetheart ” has seemed to be pulling away from Me. It’s nothing specific. It’s just a Feeling I’ve had in my gut. There’s been something in the Way He’s been Talking to Me on the Phone lately, and besides that There’s the Way that He’ll sometimes go Days without Calling Me. He’ll explain in an E-mail sometimes at the END of those few Days, where He’s been. BUT WHY couldn’t He say Something BEFORE He disappeared ? Would that have been so HARD for Him to Do ? I guess the Answer is Yes, since He Never does that. Besides, I can’t help wondering IF He doesn’t see Him and I as Something ” Real ” since We haven’t Met in Person Yet. On the Phone the Feelings SEEM intense, and real enough. BUT still… there’s those Times when I feel like He’s keeping Himself closed off from Me. Maybe it’s only because He’s Afraid that Our First Face to Face Meeting won’t go as well as We want it to ? Could that be It ? Could He just be afraid the Chemistry We have on the Phone won’t be There when We’re in Person ? Maybe it’s as simple as that. I hope that’s all it is… and it’s NOT that He’s been seriously questioning His Feelings for Me, and wondering IF He Truly Cares for Me, or Not.. Wondering IF He Truly Loves Me, or NOT ?! I Hope it’s not that.
As far as the OTHER goes… Well, I care for Him, and I’d even go as far to say that I do Still Love Him. BUT… I would NEVER want to Risk the PAST happening ALL OVER AGAIN ! I can’t Live through anything like that Ever Again ! Still, I can’t help feeling a little bit ” Torn “. The Reason I say that is because I don’t want to Hurt His Feelings Either. I would Never Ever Want to Hurt My ” Maine Sweetheart’s ” Feelings, AND I would NEVER want to Hurt My Ex-Bf’s Feelings. But.. in a ” Game ” of this Nature… Someone is going to End Up with a Broken Heart. I know this, but I’m NOT ready to Face it YET. I don’t Want to Face it. I don’t Want it to Happen. What do I do IF it’s Unavoidable ?! I don’t really know. Sure My Ex-Bf has His Faults… BUT WHO doesn’t have Faults ? None of Us is Perfect ! None of US ! Plus, My Ex-bf did Have His Good Points Too. He has a Good, and Loving Heart, and Soul. I’ve seen the Capacity in His Eyes to Love Someone Deeply, Truly, and Completely. He can do That.. IF He would just put aside the Anger inside Him that tries to rear It’s Ugly Head when He gets frustrated over something, or upset for some reason. I HOPE that by NOW – after all of the Years that have gone by – that He’s learned OTHER more Constructive – MORE Positive – Ways to deal with Frustration and Anger. IF He hasn’t already He definitely needs to learn how to cope with the Frustrations of Every Day Life WITHOUT letting Himself be taken over by an Uncontrollable RAGE ! That is Something I simply CAN NOT deal with Again ! I Can’t ! I’ve tried many times over the last few Years to explain ALL OF THIS to Him, BUT IF it truly got Through to Him, I just don’t know. There’s no way of Me really knowing IF I truly got through to Him. I hope that I did. I hope that He’s understood, and He’s actually made the Effort needed over the Years to make the Changes He really Needs to make. The CATCH to ALL of This is… HOW can I Truly Know IF He has Changed ??? He can SAY that He has as Much as He wants in Letters, and even on the Phone, BUT WORDS I’ve found – at least in the Past – have always been Easy for Him. He’s thrown ” GOOD WORDS ” in My Direction Before, and Time has Proven by His Actions that His Words were LIES ! I HOPE AND PRAY that This Time He has TRULY BEEN COMPLETELY HONEST WITH ME ! I’ve explained to Him MANY TIMES how Important it is that We BOTH be VERY HONEST with Each Other about EVERYTHING ! I Hope that He took that to Heart, and has been actually doing that Whenever He’s Written to Me. So Far it seems like He has been…. BUT Time Will Tell.
… So WHAT to Do for the Time Being ???? I WISH TO GOD THAT I KNEW… for My Heart is definitely Divided. I’d be Lying to Myself IF I said that it wasn’t. Maybe ALL of This will Change once I’ve spent some TIME in Person – Face to Face – with My ” Maine Sweetheart “. But at the Rate things are going right now, there’s no real telling WHEN that will happen. I understand that my ” Maine Sweetheart ” has to Save Up enough Money for the Trip. BUT still I would have Thought that by Now He would have at least ASKED for the Time OFF – for the FUTURE. He could have Asked for the Time OFF for even TWO MONTHS from Now, and that I would Think would have been a Long Enough Time for Him to Save Up the Money needed. BUT NOPE ! He hasn’t even ASKED for the Time OFF yet ! WHAT is He waiting for ? I Wish I knew. IF He’s going to WAIT till He has the MONEY Saved Up for the Trip BEFORE He asks for the Time OFF from Work, that might end up NOT working out because Who Know IF that Time will be Available, or NOT ?! It might NOT be available, IF HE waits till the LAST MINUTE to ask for IT ! I can’t say ANY of This to Him, of course, because IF I did then I’d be ” Nagging ” Him about it… and I don’t want to do that. I’m already afraid that I’ve probably Asked Him IF He’s asked for the TIME OFF YET too many times as it is ! I’ve been biting my tongue for awhile now, though. I think I’ve been very patient lately. I hope that He realizes how difficult it is for Me to NOT ask Him about it ! UGH ! Good Grief MEN are so Damn Complicated ! They’re a MESS ! LOVE Them… But OH DAMN They make Life a Complicated MESS sometimes !

About insanityrules67

I'm passionate about Writing. I have been ever since high school. I also Love to Read Fantasy, or Sci-Fi. Plus I enjoy Drawing, Playing Games Online, Watching Movies, Playing Board Games, Watching WWE Wrestling, and Gazing at the Stars on a Clear Cool Fall - or Winter - Night. Plus I also Love to stay in Touch with my Friends and Family Online.
This entry was posted in Mixed Feelings and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s