The ” Time ” is Coming, and I Still Don’t Know What I’m Going to Do…

Time is going Faster than I ever really stopped to think it would. Before I know it the ” Time ” will come when I can’t avoid it any longer. The Time will come when I have to make a Decision about My Ex-Bf. What will I do about Him ? I wish to God that I already knew, but I truly don’t. ALL I really know for Sure at This Moment is that I’m No Longer going to Let ANYTHING stop Me from Finally Meeting Jeff – My ” Maine Sweetheart ” – in Person. Meeting Him has been far too long in coming, and I know in the depths of my soul that IF I made the Last Minute decision to NOT meet Him in Person I would regret it for the REST OF MY LIFE ! I know this without even a grain of doubt. Besides Regret, I would be Completely Heart Broken – and My Soul would be Shattered – because I know that IF I made the HUGE MISTAKE it would KILL JEFF ! It was Hurt Him beyond belief ! I would rather Die, than EVER Hurt Jeff ! So… there is NO Turning Back as far as finally Meeting Jeff in Person goes. That simply HAS TO HAPPEN ! When it will happen ? I still don’t know. But I am Hoping that it won’t be too far into the Future AFTER I am completely Moved into My New Apartment. Jeff already knows that I want to Meet Him soon after I’m moved in. I hope that He’ll be able to make the needed arrangements in order to come down Here, so We can finally meet soon. I Love My ” Maine Sweetheart ” VERY MUCH, and for YEARS NOW I’ve been Wanting with Everything in Me to Meet Him Face-to-Face. Now that I’m finally getting my Own Place once again, it feels like that Precious Moment is coming soon.
But Back to My Previous Thought…. What to do about My Ex-Bf ? I admit it… I know I haven’t been Fair to Him; not at all. I’ve told Him only half-truths about My Real Feelings for Him. I haven’t told Him the Completely TRUE and WHOLE Story about My Feelings for Him in a Very Very Long Time… not since the Day I told Him that I wanted Him OUT OF MY LIFE, and Wanted Him to LEAVE ! I meant that Then, and I don’t regret doing it because I really had no choice. I didn’t have a True Loving Relationship with Him Then. ALL I had with Him Then was His ANGER mostly, His Demanding and Controlling Behavior, and His Physical & Mental Abuse ! Where was the ” LOVE ” in ALL of That ?! It definitely didn’t feel like He LOVED ME at ALL ! No Matter What He’s said since Then about His Feelings for Me Back Then, HOW was I supposed to see that ” He LOVED ME ” when ALL He EVER DID was either YELL at ME, or HURT ME ?!?! I had to Break Away from that ANY WAY that I could, and since the Apartment was MINE – NOT HIS, the ONLY WAY was to Make Him Leave ! So No Matter WHAT happened to Him AFTER He Left Me, I Still DON’T regret the Choice I made Then. Whatever Happened to Him AFTER He Left Me, was NOT MY FAULT.. BUT HIS ! I hope that He Understands that. I hope that He sees the Reality of that, and has NOT been Living in His Own little ” Fantasy ” Version of Events since Then ! IF He has been seeing the TRUTHS of what has happened to Him since He Last Left Me, in a Very Distorted Way, then that’s even MORE Reason why I should NOT EVER take Him BACK AGAIN into My Life ! IF I did – ( and what I just mentioned is the case ) – then He would be holding a HUGE Resentment and Bitterness towards Me that He just hasn’t revealed to Me YET. He may be simply waiting till He has a CHANCE to take out this Resentment and Bitterness on Me when He THINKS He’ll be BACK with Me ! In Other Words, He may be patiently Waiting for a Chance at a sort of REVENGE ! I won’t give Him a Chance to exact that ” Revenge ” ! I won’t allow that… I won’t ” Open the Door ” – so to speak – for Him to HURT ME once AGAIN ! After all, HOW MANY TIMES ? Did He PROMISE ME.. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN… THAT THINGS WOULD BE ‘ DIFFERENT ‘, AND ‘ BETTER ‘ ?!?!? BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME… THINGS WOULD BE ‘ BETTER ‘ FOR MAYBE ONE WEEK.. MAYBE TWO WEEKS AT MOST.. THEN EVERYTHING WOULD BE BACK TO THE ‘ WAY ‘ IT WAS ! Everything would go Right Back to the Way He ” Abused Me ” in the Past… the Yelling.. the RAGING FITS… the ‘ NAME-CALLING ‘… and the PHYSICAL ABUSE ! I DON’T DESERVE ANY OF THAT ! I NEVER DESERVED ONE BIT OF IT ! I STILL DON’T DESERVE THAT SORT OF TREATMENT… NOT NOW.. NOT EVER !