One – according to Him, is pretty much dying of Cancer – ( stomach, liver ?, and maybe gall bladder too ? ) – and He seemed Very Cold and Distant with Me the last time I spoke with Him on the phone. Perhaps His attitude was Only a Reflection of the News He was giving Me about His Condition, and His Living ” Status ” There at ” The Consulate “… since He did mention that He was Recently told that because His Cancer has progressed to such a point, that He’s probably going to be changed to ” Long Term Resident ” status, and ” Hospice ” will probably start coming to see Him. ” Hospice ” only handles the Residents whose Health is at a point of ” No Return ” – literally. That’s how I understand it, at least.. especially since it was ” Hospice ” that was at Debbie Summers’ Side for the Last couple of Weeks, or more, right before She passed away. So Anyways… from What He told Me, I felt like He was giving Me ” The Brush Off ” so to speak. It was as if He was trying to tell Me in a round about way.. ” You should just Forget about Me, and Move On, because as it turns out I don’t have much Time left, and the Time I have left I’m going to be Forced to spend Right Here at ‘ The Consulate ‘. ” He didn’t actually say Those Words, but His Tone of Voice, and the Attitude in It, seemed to say those things to Me.
Then the 2nd One… is an Old Flame. He’s an Old Flame that Burned so Bright that It practically burned Itself out… Destroyed Itself with it’s Own Passions, and Desires. Besides that, He also has such an Explosive Personality that It has a Bad Habit of getting Himself in Trouble, and of ending up with the Ones Closest to Him getting Hurt in One Way, or Another. He took My Heart and Soul to the Highest Heights of Passion and Desire in the Past, but.. ” At What Price ?! ” … That’s a Question that I never completely Answered, and I’m Afraid of Re-Living those Passions and Desires with Him Yet Again for Fear that This Time I’ll be Burnt beyond all Repair !
Then there’s the 3rd One… The ” Sweetheart “.. My Teddy Bear…. My ” True Soul Mate “. That’s how I’ve seen Him from the Very Beginning Over 6 Years Ago when I Talked to Him on the Phone for the Very First Time. From that Very First Moment, I felt like Him and I Truly Belonged Together. But because of My Misguided ” Passions and Desires ” I ended up with the ” One ” that Burned ” Too Brightly ” – ” Too Intensely ” – and I Paid a High Price for it. I Missed about Two Real Chances to Be WITH my ” Sweetheart “. I passed up those Chances for Another ” Love ” that turned out to be Something Very Far from ” True Love “… in Fact… the ‘ Supposed Love ‘ was More about RAGE, than about LOVE. Now the Wheel of Time has Turned once Again… and I Find Myself facing Another Very REAL Chance to be With ” My Teddy Bear “. BUT.. Once Again there are Obstacles that Him and I must Overcome. One is Financial – and the Planning of His Move Down Here as Well as His Finding a Full-Time Job Down Here, AND the Other is ” His Mom “.
He’s Always been VERY Close to His Mom… which in itself isn’t a Bad Thing at all. Yet, I still can’t seem to help but feeling pulled in two different directions where this is concerned. I Respect Him Very Much, and Love Him Very Much, for how Much He Loves and Cares about His Mom and Her Welfare. BUT… On the Other Hand, I LONG to be With Him. I want to Share My Life with Him. I want a Chance to Show Him Every Day and Every Night just how much I Truly Love Him. HOW can I do This IF He doesn’t ” Cut the Apron Strings ? “… so to speak. I know it’s Not that simple though. I do realize completely that He does need to consider Her Health Issues, and the Help that She would Need to be ” Okay “. That’s Why I told Him just Recently that I would be perfectly ” OKAY ” with Him paying for His Mom’s ” Home Health Care Aide ” out of His Full-Time Job’s Paycheck once He’s Down Here living With Me. I told Him that I wouldn’t be disagreeable about that at all. But ever since that Phone Conversation I feel like He’s been Avoiding Me, and I can’t help wondering IF He’s been using His Bad Cold as an Excuse for Not Talking to Me on the Phone lately. I Hope and Pray that I’m Wrong about that… but Sometimes Your ” Gut Instinct ” proves to be Right. I hope this Time I’m Wrong !