For some excuses are easy…

It never fails to amaze me how no matter how many times someone’s actions produce the same outcomes, they will still behave in the exact same way ! … Not just once, or twice… but this happens over and over too many times to count !

One of the biggest excuses I continue to hear is….

” This is just temporary ! “

That’s the weakest, and most lame excuse ever in my opinion.

The reason I say that is because LIFE itself is temporary. We are only here on earth, to live our lives, for a relatively very short period of time. So following that logic that makes every situation we find ourselves in, ” temporary “.

The catch to all of this is that we can not treat our life’s moments as temporary. We should see every situation as a permanent one, so that we won’t fail to give it our all…. doing our very best to make it as wonderful as it could possibly be.

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Relationship vs. Roommates …

After going through thirteen years of hell with my ex-husband, ten years of them married to him, I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to make sure I never ended up in the same type of relationship again. Now it’s sixteen years after my divorce was final, and I find myself in a situation that’s all too familiar to me.

Of course everyone swears to themselves that they won’t compare their current love interest with an ex of the past – not even with an ex-husband, but when things are so glaringly ” in-your-face ” identical to what you’ve been through in your past, it’s very hard to stick to that resolve. Granted I do realize that as a rule it’s not a good practice to compare a current lover to one from your past, but how else do you learn ?

Shouldn’t learning involve a certain amount of comparing, and reconsidering – ( reconsidering what you are willing to, and not willing to live with ). If you don’t use this as part of your decision making process, then how can you make a completely informed decision on your current situation. In order to make a smart choice about anything in life you need to know all of the variables involved.

But I digress….                                                                                                        Back to my main point of this post….

I started out my relationship with my current boyfriend actually thirteen years ago, if you count when we first met in person. I wish I could say that I’ve been with him for that long, but we’ve been on and off again so much that to call ” us ” a rollercoaster ride ” would be a huge understatement. We fell into a pattern of being together for maybe three or four months, and then apart for the same period time, but then we’d get back together again and start the cycle over once again. After awhile it was so topsy turvy that I could hardly tell if he was coming, or going. I’ve had many friends tell me bluntly that I’ve been crazy for taking him back so many times. Maybe they’re right. All I can say about it is that despite all of the ups and downs, I’ve loved him with all of my heart throughout it all.

I like to think that he’s felt the same way about me, even through the many separations, but I just don’t know. How do you completely believe someone that’s left you so many times for others ? You want to believe their sweet promises, and loving words, but when they continually go back on what they’ve said time and time again…. how can you ?

Still…. here I find myself and him, yet again.

Are we truly boyfriend / girlfriend, or are we really just glorified roommates ?

As a ” couple ” – boyfriend / girlfriend, you’d naturally expect signs of affection, love, and tenderness, to be shared fairly frequently with each other. It wouldn’t need to be anything financially extravagant, or any sort of material gift at all. I’m merely talking about a handful of kind words here, a few gentle touches there, a loving hug once in awhile, shared looks of love exchanged, and all of this sprinkled with a dose of laughter from time to time to keep life positive and upbeat.

I don’t believe that any of this is unreasonable. They’re not outrageous expectations. They’re mostly just simple things that we – as humans – need in our lives in order to feel special, important, and loved. Everyone needs social contact of at least a minimal amount. If there is none of any of that, how can we possibly feel that we’re important, or valued, by the other person ?

What if there is some of all of that, but at other times you feel that you have a dark entity living with you ? How can anyone live on this sort of emotional rollercoaster ride ? I’ve been doing it, somehow… for a long time now. On and off, of course, but still for months at a time, sometimes as long as six months.

Why haven’t I got off this crazy ride ? Why haven’t I permanently got off this crazy ride a very long time ago ? I don’t know. It’s not that I ” like ” the bad times, but I truly don’t… even though he seems to enjoy insisting that I ” purposely ” do every little thing I can do to ” push his buttons ” ! I’ve told him many times that I don’t do, or say anything, on purpose to ” push his buttons “. I’ve tried to explain to him that I honestly DO NOT KNOW when, or IF something will trip that switch in his head. I wish to God that I did know.

You would think I would know by now, after knowing him for so long. But how can you truly know which way the WIND will blow, or how many ripples will show in the water after a pebble is thrown ? Just like with weather forecasts… they can use all of their knowledge, scientific equipment, years of experience, and still the weather can be nearly completely opposite to what they predicted.

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What Now ????

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve found myself in this situation I’d be a millionaire by now. The thing is I know deep down that it’s mostly my fault that I find myself here once again. I made all the same decisions when faced with all of the same choices, so what else could I expect ?

I think that part of the problem is that I’ve never figured out how to look past the fact that I love him. I should have learned a long time ago that loving him just isn’t enough. Loving him doesn’t make all of the other problems go away. It’s been obvious to me for the last month that no matter what I do, or try to do, to help make things better between him and I, it’s never good enough in his eyes. He constantly criticizes me, and constantly assumes I mean the worst by my words and my actions. But when it comes down to how I am towards him, he always expects me to assume the very best of his words and actions. He’s old enough to know what the term ” double standard ” is, and to know how unfair it is to the other person. Yet, over and over he applies a constant ” double standard ” to us.

Today has been a ” typical ” day as far as his most recent behavior. We watched a dvd while we ate lunch, then right after lunch he took a nap. It wasn’t the nap part that upset me. It was the fact that he slept for several hours, and as soon as he’s up he gets dressed to go out for a ” walk “. He barely said two words to me, and I’m sure if I hadn’t asked him where he was going that he wasn’t planning on telling me. Even when he said… ” Walmart probably, “… that wasn’t very clear at all.

After what happened between us yesterday, does he have any right to expect complete belief and confidence from me – ( confidence that he isn’t up to no good ) – ? I don’t think so.

I found out yesterday that besides already having on his facebook profile that he’s ” single “, that he ALSO tells the women he adds that he’s a ” home health aide ” that lives with his ” client ” – ME !!!!

So not only do the women on his profile believe that he’s single and looking for a woman, now they believe he’s some sort of ” good-hearted saint ” that takes care of a sick woman !!!!

After everything I’ve been through over the last five years is it any wonder that finding this out bothered me so much ?!  I don’t think so !

But…. of course… he did NOT apologize… did NOT say that he would correct that with those women on facebook…. he said NONE OF THAT !!!!

Oh no… he just looked at me as if I was the ONE in the wrong because I was very upset ! What bullshit !

This has always been the case with him !

He’ll do something obviously VERY WRONG, but then when I react as any normal person with a heart would react, then I am the ONE in the wrong !

I’m sitting here debating whether or not to call him on his cell phone right now, but I know he’ll only see that as me ” checking up on him “. Which in truth it would be, more or less. If I called him, and then it rang strangely because he’s already on the phone with someone else, that would only serve to make me even angrier than I already am at this moment. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t call him right now. I’m glad that at least I have my writing to let out my pent up frustrations, and emotions I have no one to talk about.

That’s another thing that I don’t get at all. He’ll have long conversations with these strange women online, but with me I get one or two words… and that’s it !

Well…. calling him is out now, since he finally got back from his ” walk “.

He went straight to the bathroom when he came in, without saying one word to me. That was odd to say the least, but not completely unlike him. Maybe he simply had to use the bathroom right away. Plus with the heat outside he may have wanted to change out of his sweaty clothes right away. At least I hope that’s the ONLY reasons for him doing that.

Normally I’m not a ” paranoid ” person, but with everything he’s put me through over the years, even a saint would be paranoid.

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Double Standards …

We’ve all heard of how unfair double standards are, but I’m here to declare that they are not only unfair, but also potentially a poison that can ultimately tear apart a relationship.

It makes me want to start screaming, and continue screaming for hours on end, when the one I love shows me that he wants me to view him in a certain way – with a certain ” changed ” attitude, but he continually refuses to do the same for me !

I’m supposed to assume that he’s not ” always ” out to do wrong – ( not always working on a way to lie, deceive, or cheat on me ), but when he speaks and interacts with me many times he’ll assume the worst of something I’ve said. No matter how innocent I say something, and no matter how minor the subject is, he’ll literally make a ” mountain out of a molehill “, and expect me to be okay with him behaving in that fashion towards me.

If you want someone to completely trust you, see the positive in you, and believe everything you say…. Is it really too much to ask you to do the same things for that person ? It’s called… give and take … tit for tat … or simply fairness, and equality.

Sometimes I don’t even have to say a single word. I’ll simply ” look ” at him, and he seems to believe he can read my mind according to what he thinks that one look meant.

I’ve got news for him. He is NOT psychic ! Just as neither am I ! I’ve reminded him multiple times that neither of US can read thoughts, so we need to ” speak up “‘, and always speak our mind honestly, and openly.

Assuming is an evil that no relationship can completely survive, because it is a seed of doubt that will take root, thrive, and bloom, quicker than anything else in this world.

Before you’ve even had a chance to realize what ” assuming ” has done to your relationship, it’s too late because the damage has always been done, and it’s rooted too deeply in each of your hearts, and souls.


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I believed you …

Time after time you did the exact same thing to me.

You would make all sorts of beautiful promises, and make loving reassurances that we would be okay.

No matter how sincere you sounded, and how much you would repeat the same words to me, the results were always the same.

It’s crystal clear to me now that the only thing I can count on from you is for you to break your word, and break all of the sweet promises you make to me.

Still somehow I kept hanging onto hope.

Somehow I kept hanging on because I couldn’t imagine you not being a part of my life.

Why  ? I wish I had a simple answer to this except that looking back at all of this I realize I sound like a stupid love sick fool.

I can understand perfectly why that would be the first impression anyone would get from this, but there’s one catch to that.

How can I be considered a fool when during everything I knew what I was getting into, and had strong gut feelings that it would end up the same once again. So how does that make me a fool ?

Maybe it makes me more insane than foolish.

I don’t know.

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Torn between Missing You and telling You to ” Go to Hell ! ” …

I opened my heart and soul to you again with the understanding that you knew what a risk I was taking, and how much I was counting on you to keep ALL of your promises.

You were great with the myriad of reassurances on the phone before you came back to me again. Then just as I feared after only three months you threw me away again !

You threw away all of the promises you made, all of the sweet reassurances that you wanted US to last forever, and took off like your feet were on fire !

While sure that sounds like a joke, I’m very serious.

I had NO warning that he was planning on leaving me suddenly, and he was great at covering up his plans. He was as sneaky as a bank robber planning a heist !

He had all of his bases covered. He had an excuse for everything he was doing that day, until he didn’t come back that night !

Of course I had tried to call his cell phone many times, but with no avail.

Then the next morning he decides to call me to tell me he’s leaving… that we’re OVER !

He didn’t even show me a tiny bit of respect by at least telling me why !

Instead he resorted to very cruel words which he shouted at me as I cried to him to not leave me, then he hung up !

All of this happened one month ago. I’ve been trying to move on, I really have.

It’s been hard though, because I still have a part of me that wonders if I had only done this or that differently, if he may have stayed ?

I know that’s stupid of me because I know I did all I could.

Anything I did supposedly ” wrong ” as he describes it, was only a reaction to his actions while he was here.

While he was here I repeatedly reminded him that his actions were totally opposite to everything he had promised me before he came back. But that didn’t seem to matter to him all. His favorite habit was to do his very best to turn EVERYTHING back around on ME ! He seemed to LOVE trying hard to make it seem like EVERYTHING was MY FAULT ! Looking back I know that is completely unfair !

It takes two people to make a relationship work. Plus if you think that a relationship doesn’t take work for it work well, then you’re fooling yourself ! I’m fairly positive now that he firmly believes that it’s the Woman’s responsibility to do the work in a relationship – that it’s ALL on her whether it works out, or not ! Along with this he appears to believe that this means he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS TO with NO consequences at all ! That’s so completely immature of him to think that way !

He has NO concept of what it means to truly LOVE someone !

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I hate it when I’m right …

All of my suspicions were proved right by his actions.

I hate it when my gut feelings are proven right ! I wish for once that I was wrong about a ” gut feeling “, or ” instinct “.

But once again I was right, because He left October 3 rd after only 3 months living with me. Only three months, and ” poof ” always was over ! Was three months really enough time to suddenly decide it was over ? To give ” Us ” only three months after we had been apart for five years, I don’t feel was fair, or right at all !

How can you realistically think that after only three months everything would be perfect, and we’d never disagree about anything !? That’s simply not logical at all !

There’s no common sense at all in thinking that way, and definitely no sense of adult maturity.

Does he really think that EVERYTHING will ALWAYS work out perfectly for him ?

That’s simply not how life works !

Life is complicated. Life is messy. Life has obstacles, and road blocks that you’ll have to find a way to overcome. Those obstacles, and road blocks, will come up in your path constantly, but you can’t let them make you give up on life, or on the one that you claimed to love.

If he truly thinks that he’ll find a ” perfect life ” with another woman he’s sadly mistaken, and completely delusional. There is no ” perfect life ” with anyone, just as there is no such thing as a ” perfect woman “.

No one is perfect ! … no woman and no man !

He fools himself into thinking that he’s perfect, and everyone should be exactly like him. But that’s completely unrealistic, delusional, and extremely immature.

With that sort of thinking he continually sets himself up for disappointment.

Then whenever that disappointment, and pain happens to him he’s the first to complain, and whine that he can never find real happiness ! HAHAHAHA !

He’ll never find his ” idea ” of real happiness, and love with anyone because his concept of it does not exist in the REAL WORLD !

So I suppose I’ve answer my own questions that have been plaguing me since he left with no warning on October 3rd.

What did I do wrong ? What could I have done any different so that he would not have left ? What’s wrong with Me that made him leave after only 3 months ?

The clear answer to ALL 3 of those questions is NOTHING !

I can see that now, and for my own sanity’s sake I know that I must remind myself of this every day as my heart slowly heals from the heart ache, and betrayal.

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