For some excuses are easy…

It never fails to amaze me how no matter how many times someone’s actions produce the same outcomes, they will still behave in the exact same way ! … Not just once, or twice… but this happens over and over too many times to count !

One of the biggest excuses I continue to hear is….

” This is just temporary ! “

That’s the weakest, and most lame excuse ever in my opinion.

The reason I say that is because LIFE itself is temporary. We are only here on earth, to live our lives, for a relatively very short period of time. So following that logic that makes every situation we find ourselves in, ” temporary “.

The catch to all of this is that we can not treat our life’s moments as temporary. We should see every situation as a permanent one, so that we won’t fail to give it our all…. doing our very best to make it as wonderful as it could possibly be.

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Relationship vs. Roommates …

After going through thirteen years of hell with my ex-husband, ten years of them married to him, I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to make sure I never ended up in the same type of relationship again. Now it’s sixteen years after my divorce was final, and I find myself in a situation that’s all too familiar to me.

Of course everyone swears to themselves that they won’t compare their current love interest with an ex of the past – not even with an ex-husband, but when things are so glaringly ” in-your-face ” identical to what you’ve been through in your past, it’s very hard to stick to that resolve. Granted I do realize that as a rule it’s not a good practice to compare a current lover to one from your past, but how else do you learn ?

Shouldn’t learning involve a certain amount of comparing, and reconsidering – ( reconsidering what you are willing to, and not willing to live with ). If you don’t use this as part of your decision making process, then how can you make a completely informed decision on your current situation. In order to make a smart choice about anything in life you need to know all of the variables involved.

But I digress….                                                                                                        Back to my main point of this post….

I started out my relationship with my current boyfriend actually thirteen years ago, if you count when we first met in person. I wish I could say that I’ve been with him for that long, but we’ve been on and off again so much that to call ” us ” a rollercoaster ride ” would be a huge understatement. We fell into a pattern of being together for maybe three or four months, and then apart for the same period time, but then we’d get back together again and start the cycle over once again. After awhile it was so topsy turvy that I could hardly tell if he was coming, or going. I’ve had many friends tell me bluntly that I’ve been crazy for taking him back so many times. Maybe they’re right. All I can say about it is that despite all of the ups and downs, I’ve loved him with all of my heart throughout it all.

I like to think that he’s felt the same way about me, even through the many separations, but I just don’t know. How do you completely believe someone that’s left you so many times for others ? You want to believe their sweet promises, and loving words, but when they continually go back on what they’ve said time and time again…. how can you ?

Still…. here I find myself and him, yet again.

Are we truly boyfriend / girlfriend, or are we really just glorified roommates ?

As a ” couple ” – boyfriend / girlfriend, you’d naturally expect signs of affection, love, and tenderness, to be shared fairly frequently with each other. It wouldn’t need to be anything financially extravagant, or any sort of material gift at all. I’m merely talking about a handful of kind words here, a few gentle touches there, a loving hug once in awhile, shared looks of love exchanged, and all of this sprinkled with a dose of laughter from time to time to keep life positive and upbeat.

I don’t believe that any of this is unreasonable. They’re not outrageous expectations. They’re mostly just simple things that we – as humans – need in our lives in order to feel special, important, and loved. Everyone needs social contact of at least a minimal amount. If there is none of any of that, how can we possibly feel that we’re important, or valued, by the other person ?

What if there is some of all of that, but at other times you feel that you have a dark entity living with you ? How can anyone live on this sort of emotional rollercoaster ride ? I’ve been doing it, somehow… for a long time now. On and off, of course, but still for months at a time, sometimes as long as six months.

Why haven’t I got off this crazy ride ? Why haven’t I permanently got off this crazy ride a very long time ago ? I don’t know. It’s not that I ” like ” the bad times, but I truly don’t… even though he seems to enjoy insisting that I ” purposely ” do every little thing I can do to ” push his buttons ” ! I’ve told him many times that I don’t do, or say anything, on purpose to ” push his buttons “. I’ve tried to explain to him that I honestly DO NOT KNOW when, or IF something will trip that switch in his head. I wish to God that I did know.

You would think I would know by now, after knowing him for so long. But how can you truly know which way the WIND will blow, or how many ripples will show in the water after a pebble is thrown ? Just like with weather forecasts… they can use all of their knowledge, scientific equipment, years of experience, and still the weather can be nearly completely opposite to what they predicted.

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What Now ????

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve found myself in this situation I’d be a millionaire by now. The thing is I know deep down that it’s mostly my fault that I find myself here once again. I made all the same decisions when faced with all of the same choices, so what else could I expect ?

I think that part of the problem is that I’ve never figured out how to look past the fact that I love him. I should have learned a long time ago that loving him just isn’t enough. Loving him doesn’t make all of the other problems go away. It’s been obvious to me for the last month that no matter what I do, or try to do, to help make things better between him and I, it’s never good enough in his eyes. He constantly criticizes me, and constantly assumes I mean the worst by my words and my actions. But when it comes down to how I am towards him, he always expects me to assume the very best of his words and actions. He’s old enough to know what the term ” double standard ” is, and to know how unfair it is to the other person. Yet, over and over he applies a constant ” double standard ” to us.

Today has been a ” typical ” day as far as his most recent behavior. We watched a dvd while we ate lunch, then right after lunch he took a nap. It wasn’t the nap part that upset me. It was the fact that he slept for several hours, and as soon as he’s up he gets dressed to go out for a ” walk “. He barely said two words to me, and I’m sure if I hadn’t asked him where he was going that he wasn’t planning on telling me. Even when he said… ” Walmart probably, “… that wasn’t very clear at all.

After what happened between us yesterday, does he have any right to expect complete belief and confidence from me – ( confidence that he isn’t up to no good ) – ? I don’t think so.

I found out yesterday that besides already having on his facebook profile that he’s ” single “, that he ALSO tells the women he adds that he’s a ” home health aide ” that lives with his ” client ” – ME !!!!

So not only do the women on his profile believe that he’s single and looking for a woman, now they believe he’s some sort of ” good-hearted saint ” that takes care of a sick woman !!!!

After everything I’ve been through over the last five years is it any wonder that finding this out bothered me so much ?!  I don’t think so !

But…. of course… he did NOT apologize… did NOT say that he would correct that with those women on facebook…. he said NONE OF THAT !!!!

Oh no… he just looked at me as if I was the ONE in the wrong because I was very upset ! What bullshit !

This has always been the case with him !

He’ll do something obviously VERY WRONG, but then when I react as any normal person with a heart would react, then I am the ONE in the wrong !

I’m sitting here debating whether or not to call him on his cell phone right now, but I know he’ll only see that as me ” checking up on him “. Which in truth it would be, more or less. If I called him, and then it rang strangely because he’s already on the phone with someone else, that would only serve to make me even angrier than I already am at this moment. Maybe it’s best that I didn’t call him right now. I’m glad that at least I have my writing to let out my pent up frustrations, and emotions I have no one to talk about.

That’s another thing that I don’t get at all. He’ll have long conversations with these strange women online, but with me I get one or two words… and that’s it !

Well…. calling him is out now, since he finally got back from his ” walk “.

He went straight to the bathroom when he came in, without saying one word to me. That was odd to say the least, but not completely unlike him. Maybe he simply had to use the bathroom right away. Plus with the heat outside he may have wanted to change out of his sweaty clothes right away. At least I hope that’s the ONLY reasons for him doing that.

Normally I’m not a ” paranoid ” person, but with everything he’s put me through over the years, even a saint would be paranoid.

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Double Standards …

We’ve all heard of how unfair double standards are, but I’m here to declare that they are not only unfair, but also potentially a poison that can ultimately tear apart a relationship.

It makes me want to start screaming, and continue screaming for hours on end, when the one I love shows me that he wants me to view him in a certain way – with a certain ” changed ” attitude, but he continually refuses to do the same for me !

I’m supposed to assume that he’s not ” always ” out to do wrong – ( not always working on a way to lie, deceive, or cheat on me ), but when he speaks and interacts with me many times he’ll assume the worst of something I’ve said. No matter how innocent I say something, and no matter how minor the subject is, he’ll literally make a ” mountain out of a molehill “, and expect me to be okay with him behaving in that fashion towards me.

If you want someone to completely trust you, see the positive in you, and believe everything you say…. Is it really too much to ask you to do the same things for that person ? It’s called… give and take … tit for tat … or simply fairness, and equality.

Sometimes I don’t even have to say a single word. I’ll simply ” look ” at him, and he seems to believe he can read my mind according to what he thinks that one look meant.

I’ve got news for him. He is NOT psychic ! Just as neither am I ! I’ve reminded him multiple times that neither of US can read thoughts, so we need to ” speak up “‘, and always speak our mind honestly, and openly.

Assuming is an evil that no relationship can completely survive, because it is a seed of doubt that will take root, thrive, and bloom, quicker than anything else in this world.

Before you’ve even had a chance to realize what ” assuming ” has done to your relationship, it’s too late because the damage has always been done, and it’s rooted too deeply in each of your hearts, and souls.

 

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I believed you …

Time after time you did the exact same thing to me.

You would make all sorts of beautiful promises, and make loving reassurances that we would be okay.

No matter how sincere you sounded, and how much you would repeat the same words to me, the results were always the same.

It’s crystal clear to me now that the only thing I can count on from you is for you to break your word, and break all of the sweet promises you make to me.

Still somehow I kept hanging onto hope.

Somehow I kept hanging on because I couldn’t imagine you not being a part of my life.

Why  ? I wish I had a simple answer to this except that looking back at all of this I realize I sound like a stupid love sick fool.

I can understand perfectly why that would be the first impression anyone would get from this, but there’s one catch to that.

How can I be considered a fool when during everything I knew what I was getting into, and had strong gut feelings that it would end up the same once again. So how does that make me a fool ?

Maybe it makes me more insane than foolish.

I don’t know.

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Torn between Missing You and telling You to ” Go to Hell ! ” …

I opened my heart and soul to you again with the understanding that you knew what a risk I was taking, and how much I was counting on you to keep ALL of your promises.

You were great with the myriad of reassurances on the phone before you came back to me again. Then just as I feared after only three months you threw me away again !

You threw away all of the promises you made, all of the sweet reassurances that you wanted US to last forever, and took off like your feet were on fire !

While sure that sounds like a joke, I’m very serious.

I had NO warning that he was planning on leaving me suddenly, and he was great at covering up his plans. He was as sneaky as a bank robber planning a heist !

He had all of his bases covered. He had an excuse for everything he was doing that day, until he didn’t come back that night !

Of course I had tried to call his cell phone many times, but with no avail.

Then the next morning he decides to call me to tell me he’s leaving… that we’re OVER !

He didn’t even show me a tiny bit of respect by at least telling me why !

Instead he resorted to very cruel words which he shouted at me as I cried to him to not leave me, then he hung up !

All of this happened one month ago. I’ve been trying to move on, I really have.

It’s been hard though, because I still have a part of me that wonders if I had only done this or that differently, if he may have stayed ?

I know that’s stupid of me because I know I did all I could.

Anything I did supposedly ” wrong ” as he describes it, was only a reaction to his actions while he was here.

While he was here I repeatedly reminded him that his actions were totally opposite to everything he had promised me before he came back. But that didn’t seem to matter to him all. His favorite habit was to do his very best to turn EVERYTHING back around on ME ! He seemed to LOVE trying hard to make it seem like EVERYTHING was MY FAULT ! Looking back I know that is completely unfair !

It takes two people to make a relationship work. Plus if you think that a relationship doesn’t take work for it work well, then you’re fooling yourself ! I’m fairly positive now that he firmly believes that it’s the Woman’s responsibility to do the work in a relationship – that it’s ALL on her whether it works out, or not ! Along with this he appears to believe that this means he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS TO with NO consequences at all ! That’s so completely immature of him to think that way !

He has NO concept of what it means to truly LOVE someone !

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I hate it when I’m right …

All of my suspicions were proved right by his actions.

I hate it when my gut feelings are proven right ! I wish for once that I was wrong about a ” gut feeling “, or ” instinct “.

But once again I was right, because He left October 3 rd after only 3 months living with me. Only three months, and ” poof ” always was over ! Was three months really enough time to suddenly decide it was over ? To give ” Us ” only three months after we had been apart for five years, I don’t feel was fair, or right at all !

How can you realistically think that after only three months everything would be perfect, and we’d never disagree about anything !? That’s simply not logical at all !

There’s no common sense at all in thinking that way, and definitely no sense of adult maturity.

Does he really think that EVERYTHING will ALWAYS work out perfectly for him ?

That’s simply not how life works !

Life is complicated. Life is messy. Life has obstacles, and road blocks that you’ll have to find a way to overcome. Those obstacles, and road blocks, will come up in your path constantly, but you can’t let them make you give up on life, or on the one that you claimed to love.

If he truly thinks that he’ll find a ” perfect life ” with another woman he’s sadly mistaken, and completely delusional. There is no ” perfect life ” with anyone, just as there is no such thing as a ” perfect woman “.

No one is perfect ! … no woman and no man !

He fools himself into thinking that he’s perfect, and everyone should be exactly like him. But that’s completely unrealistic, delusional, and extremely immature.

With that sort of thinking he continually sets himself up for disappointment.

Then whenever that disappointment, and pain happens to him he’s the first to complain, and whine that he can never find real happiness ! HAHAHAHA !

He’ll never find his ” idea ” of real happiness, and love with anyone because his concept of it does not exist in the REAL WORLD !

So I suppose I’ve answer my own questions that have been plaguing me since he left with no warning on October 3rd.

What did I do wrong ? What could I have done any different so that he would not have left ? What’s wrong with Me that made him leave after only 3 months ?

The clear answer to ALL 3 of those questions is NOTHING !

I can see that now, and for my own sanity’s sake I know that I must remind myself of this every day as my heart slowly heals from the heart ache, and betrayal.

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Seeds of Doubt…. Can they be un-done ? un-planted ? … especially with roots so deep ?

Once the seeds of doubt are planted, how do you undo what’s already been done ?

Trust can be as strong as a hurricane, but once it’s been broken it’s transformed and is as fragile as the most delicate crystal.

The love is there. That I have no doubt of at all. But is love enough ? Can love help mend the Trust that’s been so drastically shattered, and twisted ?

Doubt is a vicious, and evil thing that eats away at a person’s peace of mind, and sense of stability. Doubt is the whisper in your ear late at night when your thoughts are swirling as wildly as the winds of a tornado.

How do you clear your mind and your thoughts of doubts, fears, and suspicions, when all of these emotions are stirred because of past events that shattered your soul ?

Can Trust be ” re-gained ” ? Can Trust be ” re-made ” once it’s been shattered so completely ?

How do you put together a fragile crystal figurine once it’s been shattered into more than a million pieces ?

Trust is a lot like that fragile crystal figurine…. beautiful, very valuable, and something that should be treasured for always.

Too many times though, it’s taken for granted until one day one person’s actions is all it takes to shatter it !

Once it’s shattered, it takes a lot of caring, time, attention, understanding, compassion, and love, to slowly put it back together once again.

I want this to be true. I want this to be possible. Even as I write it, I can’t help wonder if I’m writing it hoping that the ” act ” of writing it out will make it come true.

If only writing out wishes was all it took. If only writing out our deepest desires, and dreams, was all it took for all of it to come to life.

I wish life was that simple. I wish life was as simple as writing out the stories of our lives, just as we would want them to play out.

Perhaps this is why I love reading fantasy as much as I do, because when I read it I am living it. When I read a fantasy novel I can see the world of the story, the people, the adventures that they’re living through.

I wish real life was like the books that I love to read, or at least like the romantic movies that I love. The real world is much colder, and harsher than that, unfortunately.
I love him very much…. but like I’ve said before, is love always enough to make everything right ? Shouldn’t there be much more than just love ? Trust I think is a vital part of any type of relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, a family member, or a lover, with anyone you’re connected to you need to feel a real sense of trust with them. If you don’t then constantly there will be a feeling of doubt hanging over everything they do, and everything they say to you. How can you truly believe what they do and say when you’re not 100 % sure that they’re telling you the truth ?
Whenever I try to voice my fears with him, he always turns it back on me. He makes me out to the be the ” bad guy ” every time. Every time he puts up a wall of self-righteousness as if to say, ” why would you ever doubt me ? ” Apparently he’s conveniently pushed aside any memories of how many times he’s deeply hurt me in our past.
What I wonder now is… Should I do that, and act as if he’s a ” completely ” different person now ? He tells me he’s changed since then, but when I see a few of his ” old behaviors ” surface how can I truly believe him ?
I remember too well all of the old behaviors that were a key part of the main heart break he caused me in our past. According to him now I’m supposed to look the ” other way ” when any of those old behaviors resurface, and believe that it’s NOT a sign that he’s going to go right back to everything he’s done before !
Sure we had talked about all of this on the phone a lot before he came back to me. Talking on the phone, and living with each other, interacting with each other each day, and night, is an entirely different story. It’s too easy to say anything on the phone. It’s not so simple to put it into action in person.
He’s forgotten conveniently again, that he had made me several promises before he came back to me. Those promises went straight out the window after only maybe a week at the most ! If I was to dare point that out to him though, he would just turn things around on me instead. He seems to love to make it seem like ANY arguments, or disagreements we have, are ALWAYS ONLY my fault ! It’s NEVER something he said, or did, it’s only on me !
I remember distinctly talking to him about this ” one-sided ” type of behavior on the phone long before he came back. Like those promises he had made to me on the phone, this too has definitely been forgotten.
He needs to open his eyes, and see the real truth !
He needs to see the simple fact that arguments take two people, and are never just one person’s fault.
I can’t make him see this, no matter what I say, or do.
I know this is a realization he has to come to completely on his own. I hate to admit this, even just in this post, but it is the truth.
I’ve never considered myself a ” control freak “. I know that there are many things throughout life that we can not control. Still, it’d be nice once in awhile to be able to control certain things, especially when it involves personal relationships.
For example…. One thing he’s started a very bad habit of doing is telling me to ” shut up “, whenever he doesn’t want to hear what I want to say !
I’m sure I’ve told him that I can not stand anyone telling me to shut up ! I went through that garbage far too much when I was married for ten years ! I was married to a loser that never wanted to talk about anything at all ! My ex-husband would tell me to ” shut up “, and add very cruel names to that as well, nearly every day !
I’ve told him about what I went through with my ex-husband. I’m positive I have, at least two, or maybe three times, or more. Yet again, he seems to pick, and choose conveniently what he forgets !
Plus…. whenever he starts telling me a very long winded story about his past, I never yell out, ” SHUT UP, ” even if I’m secretly wishing that the story would end soon.
According to him apparently HE is allowed to say anything, and talk as much as he wants, whenever he wants to, and never have me tell him to ” SHUT UP ” ! But it’s ” okay ” for him to do that to me, even if I’m honestly trying to talk to him about something that’s very important to me !
For a relationship to be truly happy, and truly successful, doesn’t there need to be a clear sense of mutual respect, understanding, compassion, and patience, among many other things as well ?
Double standards have no place in a truly successful relationship. I am positive of this. I’ve read it in many articles, but I don’t need to read it anywhere since it’s simple common sense.
How can I live with this every day, and night ?
Can I truly live with this every day, and night, and still say sane ? Still have peace of mind ?
I took him back with ” open eyes “, but I can’t help wondering if I listened to my heart too much. I should have listened closer to the thoughts, and doubts swirling around in my mind. Admittedly I had doubts before he actually came back, but I thought I had more time to resolve them. The date he came back was moved up at the last minute, and it took me by surprise. I hadn’t had a chance to completely resolve the doubts that had been hanging over my thoughts like a thunder storm threatening to begin at any moment.
Even though I still had doubts, I didn’t want to say ” NO ” to him coming back to me because I missed him so very much. So I concentrated on the fact that I loved him – ( and still do very much so ), missed him, and I pushed aside the doubts I still had. I thought I could keep those doubts pushed down, buried, and hidden. They wouldn’t stay that way though, as soon as I saw him start to show signs of a few of his ” old behaviors “. Those behaviors were like a green flag being waved at the beginning of a car race, as far as my doubts were concerned. I’ve attempted a few times to try to explain this to him, but my words fell on deaf ears.
Either he didn’t understand what I was explaining to him, or he didn’t want to understand what his behaviors were doing to me.
Now he expects me to quiet all of my doubts and fears completely, and stay completely silent about all of it no matter how I’m truly feeling. I’m supposed to turn away from the way he’s being right in front of my face ! I’m supposed to turn away from it, and not care ! HOW ????????
What he doesn’t get at all is that if I didn’t care about any of this, that would be a clear sign that my love for him had died completely ! The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. He’s obviously not recognizing, or understanding this fact.
It’s the fact that I do love him very much, and I want him and I to work out well, is why I get upset when I see any signs of the ” old behaviors ” that tore us completely apart in our past. How can I not be upset when I see that, when all I want is his true love, and caring ? I want him to want our happiness as much as I want it, but lately many days I can’t help wonder if he truly wants this ?! He’ll say he does, but as he’s shown many times before words come easy to him. His words can be super sweet, but it’s his actions that I want… not just his words !
I understand that he wants me to put the past in the past, but how can I do this completely when he shows me signs of the ” old behaviors ” that were the beginning of the end for us before ?
How is it fair for him to expect me to turn away from his behaviors, and not react, when he won’t make a true effort to stop letting his ” old behaviors ” resurface ????
It’s not fair…. but no matter how much I try to talk to him about this calmly, it does no good at all…. he still continues to do as he thinks is ” okay “.
Can I truly live with all of this ? Can I truly accept him completely just as he is ” right now “, since there’s no true sign of him trying to change his actions ?
I don’t know.
All I know is that I love him. I took him back wanting us to work out, and now things aren’t how he ” promised me ” they would be…. I don’t know what to do.
I suppose only Time will tell if anything changes, or not.

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Leave the ” Past ” in the ” Past ” ? … HOW ? …

It’s been almost a month, and a half, since my ” former ” ex-boyfriend came back to me, to be with me – and to live with me.

While I am happy that he’s back, since I love him very much, and missed him terribly while we were apart. Still, I’d be lying through my teeth if I said that these days since his return have all been a ” bed of roses “.

I knew deep down that there would be a period of adjustment, since we had been apart for a total of five years. Still, somehow I had allowed myself to be naive enough that I believed ” everything ” would be completely different this time.

Before I start sounding too dark, and/or negative, I have to say that ” some ” things have been very different. By different, I mean a ton better than the last time he was with me. He has showed me in many ways that he has changed for the ” better ” in the last five years.

Despite those ” positive ” changes though, there are still moments when he behaves so much like before that memories of past heartbreak, and betrayal, come flooding back into my thoughts. I try hard to not allow those dark thoughts of the past to overtake me, but I’ve found it’s unavoidable when some of his behaviors match our past times together.

When this occurs I’ve tried to calmly explain that what he’s doing reminds me of the past very much so, and brings back old memories, and fears. Instead of doing anything at all to ” adjust ” this behavior that’s stirring up flashes of our past, he turns the situation around on me as if I’m the one in the wrong.

Several times he’s reminded me that ” on the phone ” before he came back I had said that I would put all of the old memories of our past behind me.

Yes I had said that, and even said that, ” the past is the past, and I want to focus on our future together. ” All of what I said was true at it’s core. I meant it when I said it.

I still mean it, except that as soon as he started behaving in several of his ” old ways ” from our past, I couldn’t help feeling that perhaps I had made that

promise way too soon.

It’s easy to promise things on the phone when you haven’t been together 24 / 7, and lived together under the same roof, for five years.

It’s easy to behave in ways that you wouldn’t normally behave, while you’re on the phone with someone. You only have to look at how many 1-900 phone numbers there are out there to realize that ! lol

Knowing this fact I just mentioned about phone conversations, I can’t help wonder how many things he said to me in the many telephone calls before he came back he truly meant, and truly planned on keeping to. Or like me did he say certain things easily on the phone, and then realized once he got here that he can’t truly keep his promises, or he didn’t completely mean them ? Or both ?

How do you truly leave the ” Past ” in the ” Past ” when it hurt you down to the very core of your heart, and soul ?

What’s so twisted is that despite the ” hurt ” my new boyfriend – ” former ” ex-boyfriend, caused me in our past, I never stopped loving him.

Yes I’ve read the psychology articles about what this potentially means about me, but I can’t help how I am.

When I fall in love I fall completely, with every fiber of my heart, and soul.

Never in my life have I ever fell in love for just a few days, or a few months. When I fall in love, it’s for good. I fall in love for always.

If the other falls out of love with me, then I do what I must do to move on, but a part of my heart still has feelings for them, and always will.

Wrong, or right, this is simply how I’ve always been. The books on the subject can say anything that they want. No amount of books, or articles from experts, will ever change how I am.

I am my own expert. I do the best I can for myself. Sometimes my best doesn’t work out very well, but many times it does.

I am thankful for my love of writing. I’ve enjoyed writing since I have in high school. That was a ” lifetime ” ago, since I’m 47 years old now.

Back to the topic of my post….

I love my boyfriend very much. It was my choice to take him back. I could have said no to him, despite how irresistible he may think he is to women.

I didn’t choose to take him back lightly. I did it knowing his good points, and bad ones.

I simply hope that he’ll realize that as accepting as I am of his bad points, he should show me the same respect, and be accepting of all of my bad points too.

After all, unconditional love is really the only way to go as far as having a truly healthy, and happy relationship. This is my opinion.

If you truly love someone you should be able to accept them completely – good and bad.

What I can not, and will not tolerate – and shouldn’t be forced to tolerate – is when the One I’m with is not showing me the same level of tolerance, understanding, and compassion.

A relationship must have equal give and take. One-sided behavior only causes resentments, bitterness, and eventually inevitably it will destroy the relationship.

I don’t want him and I to be ” one-sided “, so whenever he starts to show signs of old bad behaviors, or be disrespectful towards me, I do my best to calmly talk to him about it. I do this hoping that by staying calm I’m diffusing the potential for a very bad argument, and also making him aware how his behavior is affecting me.

Many times I feel that he doesn’t realize what sort of impact his behavior has on me.

During the five years we were apart, I imagine that he must have forgotten how emotional, empathetic, and sensitive I am with the One I love very much.

I’ve always had the soul of an empath.

That’s helped me make friends, but also at times it weighs on me since when someone I love is suffering, then I’m suffering too.

To wrap up my ramblings… lol …

I love him very much, and don’t want to lose him again.

So I’m hopeful that he’ll be patient with me as far as my slowly letting go of past memories, and turning my focus instead on our present, and future. Plus I hope that he’ll ” wake up ” – open his eyes completely, and see that certain behaviors he’s displayed since he came back are ” triggers ” for me that cause flashbacks to a certain degree of the past we shared. It’s a past I truly want to leave in the past, so I hope that he’ll do his part, and actively try to behave in different ways now.

He made a lot of promises to me before he came back, and so far he’s kept a few of them but not all of them. I’m hoping that in time this will change.

I suppose time will tell.

Posted in Desires, Doubts, Expressing Love, Expressing My Thoughts, Fears, Feelings, Forever Love, Heart and Mind Battles, Holding onto Hope | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Boyfriend …. OR … Roommate … ???? …. Not sure which

Once not that long ago I had all kinds of hopes and dreams for having my ” love ” back in my life once again, and finally having the happiness I thought we were meant to have together.

That was then ….

This is now ….

Now he’s here, and somehow those hopes and dreams seemed to have slipped through my fingers like the mists of a winter’s morning.

He was full of light, love, and promises, before he came back to me.

He assured me over and over that all of the sweet words he spoke to me were the truth.

I had been longing for so long to hear those words from him that I couldn’t resist believing every one of them. Even when doubts whispered in the back of my mind, I hushed them right away, and refused to pay them any mind.

I didn’t want to stop for even a moment to think that he may have been simply telling me all of the things he knew I wanted so much to hear from him.

He knew me after all, since we’ve known each other for many years.

Even though we’d been apart for five years, still you remember certain things about each other.

The twist for me that sealed my fate was his constant insisting that he’s changed from how he was when we were last together. Almost every other phone call we had he would insist that his behaviors in many ways had changed, so we would not have the same problems we had in our past.

I feel so naive for believing this promise.

I wanted so much for it to be true, I refused to allow myself to stop for a moment to consider the real possibility that he was nearly exactly the same as before.

What’s so ironic, is that during a few arguments we’ve had so far he’s insisted that I haven’t changed ” my ways ” from how I was in our past.

He refuses to see that it’s not that I haven’t changed, it’s simply that he hasn’t changed so he still sees the world with the same twisted attitude when his anger, and impatience takes over.

I had asked him more times than I can count if he would be much more understanding, and patient with me than he’s been in our past. Of course his answer every time was ” yes of course he will be “, because he knows that he wants us to be happy together for good this time. These weren’t his exact words of course, but this was the general idea of what he had said.

Almost the very next day after he had arrived, the reality of how he would behave with me was already starting to become very clear.

Would it have been too much to ask for just two weeks at least of complete peace and harmony, before his true nature started to show ?

As of tomorrow it will be one month exactly since he came back to me, to be with me, and live here with me.

Am I happy ?

I wish I could clearly answer this.

It was my choice to allow him back into my life.

Whatever the outcome of this it is completely on me.

I could have told him ” No “, but how do you do that when you’re completely sick and tired of living alone ?

I wanted someone here with me.

I wanted someone here to talk to face to face.

I wanted someone here to share with, and laugh with.

Are those things too much to ask for ?

I didn’t think so.

I am only human after all, just as we all are.

I’d been living alone for years. Years of solitude can start to wear on a person, no matter how strong and independent they try to be. Strength can only get you so far until finally your heart and soul cries out from some companionship.

The problem now is….

Did I truly get what I wanted ?

I’m really not sure yet.

At this moment the way he behaves to me it seems he’s more like a roommate than a boyfriend. Sure he says ” I love you “, every day. But what good are those words when you don’t back them up with your behavior and your attitude towards the one you supposedly love ?

Words are empty and soulless when there’s no true feeling behind them.

I don’t want ” words ” from him.

I want ” true love ” from him.

Is that too much to ask for ?

I really don’t think so.

Posted in crazy guys, Desires, Despair, Doubts, Dreams, Expressing My Thoughts, Fears, Feelings, Frustration, Heart's Choices, Holding onto Hope | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment