After going through thirteen years of hell with my ex-husband, ten years of them married to him, I swore to myself that I would do whatever it took to make sure I never ended up in the same type of relationship again. Now it’s sixteen years after my divorce was final, and I find myself in a situation that’s all too familiar to me.
Of course everyone swears to themselves that they won’t compare their current love interest with an ex of the past – not even with an ex-husband, but when things are so glaringly ” in-your-face ” identical to what you’ve been through in your past, it’s very hard to stick to that resolve. Granted I do realize that as a rule it’s not a good practice to compare a current lover to one from your past, but how else do you learn ?
Shouldn’t learning involve a certain amount of comparing, and reconsidering – ( reconsidering what you are willing to, and not willing to live with ). If you don’t use this as part of your decision making process, then how can you make a completely informed decision on your current situation. In order to make a smart choice about anything in life you need to know all of the variables involved.
But I digress…. Back to my main point of this post….
I started out my relationship with my current boyfriend actually thirteen years ago, if you count when we first met in person. I wish I could say that I’ve been with him for that long, but we’ve been on and off again so much that to call ” us ” a rollercoaster ride ” would be a huge understatement. We fell into a pattern of being together for maybe three or four months, and then apart for the same period time, but then we’d get back together again and start the cycle over once again. After awhile it was so topsy turvy that I could hardly tell if he was coming, or going. I’ve had many friends tell me bluntly that I’ve been crazy for taking him back so many times. Maybe they’re right. All I can say about it is that despite all of the ups and downs, I’ve loved him with all of my heart throughout it all.
I like to think that he’s felt the same way about me, even through the many separations, but I just don’t know. How do you completely believe someone that’s left you so many times for others ? You want to believe their sweet promises, and loving words, but when they continually go back on what they’ve said time and time again…. how can you ?
Still…. here I find myself and him, yet again.
Are we truly boyfriend / girlfriend, or are we really just glorified roommates ?
As a ” couple ” – boyfriend / girlfriend, you’d naturally expect signs of affection, love, and tenderness, to be shared fairly frequently with each other. It wouldn’t need to be anything financially extravagant, or any sort of material gift at all. I’m merely talking about a handful of kind words here, a few gentle touches there, a loving hug once in awhile, shared looks of love exchanged, and all of this sprinkled with a dose of laughter from time to time to keep life positive and upbeat.
I don’t believe that any of this is unreasonable. They’re not outrageous expectations. They’re mostly just simple things that we – as humans – need in our lives in order to feel special, important, and loved. Everyone needs social contact of at least a minimal amount. If there is none of any of that, how can we possibly feel that we’re important, or valued, by the other person ?
What if there is some of all of that, but at other times you feel that you have a dark entity living with you ? How can anyone live on this sort of emotional rollercoaster ride ? I’ve been doing it, somehow… for a long time now. On and off, of course, but still for months at a time, sometimes as long as six months.
Why haven’t I got off this crazy ride ? Why haven’t I permanently got off this crazy ride a very long time ago ? I don’t know. It’s not that I ” like ” the bad times, but I truly don’t… even though he seems to enjoy insisting that I ” purposely ” do every little thing I can do to ” push his buttons ” ! I’ve told him many times that I don’t do, or say anything, on purpose to ” push his buttons “. I’ve tried to explain to him that I honestly DO NOT KNOW when, or IF something will trip that switch in his head. I wish to God that I did know.
You would think I would know by now, after knowing him for so long. But how can you truly know which way the WIND will blow, or how many ripples will show in the water after a pebble is thrown ? Just like with weather forecasts… they can use all of their knowledge, scientific equipment, years of experience, and still the weather can be nearly completely opposite to what they predicted.